Boys Will Be Boys *Ryden*

I'll Keep My Jealousy Close, 'Cause It's All Mine

Ryan's first impulse was to get angry, but the audience's reaction made it impossible. He'd never seen a crowd so pumped before. They were shrieking, laughing, stomping their feet and clapping, faces glowing with excitement. Brendon had them eating out of his hand; it seemed the dirtier he got during shows, the more they liked it. Ryan looked around at his bandmates and all three of them were grinning from ear to ear, fueled by the crowd's energy. Ryan felt himself relax. It was all in good fun and the fans didn't know what was really going on. More importantly, Spencer and Jon didn't know.

When the show was over, though, Zack pulled Brendon aside the minute they were all backstage. Jon and Spencer didn't pay any attention and just headed for the dressing room, but Ryan hung back a bit, trying to listen in on what was being said. Zack was talking in a low voice but Ryan caught the words "disrespectful" and "asking for trouble". When it was Brendon's turn to speak, his voice was louder. "I wasn't disrespecting you, Zack. The audience loves it. They don't know what I'm talking about, all they know is it's dirty and it makes the shows more unpredictable and fun."

Zack's reply was too quiet for Ryan to overhear, but his stance made it obvious that he still wasn't happy. He finished what he was saying and walked away, brushing past Ryan without acknowledging him. Ryan approached Brendon and said, "Why do you seem hell-bent on rubbing Zack's face in this? It is disrespectful. He's just trying to protect us."

"Protect what?" Brendon said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Our reputations?"

"I guess. I don't know. It's just...I think you should tone it down onstage."

"Are you kidding me, Ryan?? You saw how the fans reacted. It makes me never want to stop. It makes me want to say even dirtier things."

"Please tell me you won't."

"No promises," Brendon said, smiling. With a glint in his eye he added, "Who knows what'll come out of my mouth onstage when we start doing dirtier things behind the scenes?"

Ryan felt a pang of desire but squashed it, remembering: four straight nights on the bus. He ran Brendon's words through his mind again and one jumped out at him. "When we start doing dirtier things?"

Brendon blinked, momentarily taken aback. "I meant if," he quickly corrected himself.

"You said when. I think you meant when."

"Nope. I meant if."

"The same way you meant it when you told me we'd never do more than kiss?"

"Touche," Brendon replied, then looked around the room. When he saw that they were alone, he grabbed the front of Ryan's shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.

Ryan knew it shouldn't be happening; anyone could walk in at any time. But he wanted it too much. Brendon was dripping sweat from the show and his lips tasted salty. Ryan kissed him back fervently, putting his hands on Brendon's ass to pull their hips together, feeling both of them hardening. He pulled back and scanned the room for a place to go; a closet, a bathroom, someplace where they could go inside and shut the door behind themselves.

He spotted a closed door on the far side of the room and began pulling Brendon toward it. Brendon was laughing. "A closet quickie?" he questioned.

"Uh huh. Zack said not on the bus, right? He didn't say not backstage."

"You want me so bad, don't you?" Brendon teased, smacking him lightly on the ass for emphasis.

"Shut up," Ryan told him. "Don't act so smug, you're the one who basically begged me to kiss you in the first place."

"I wouldn't really calling it begging--" Brendon was suddenly interrupted by Spencer, who had just walked into the room.

Spencer took in the scene unfolding: Ryan pulling Brendon by his wrist toward a closet door. "Uhhh...what are you guys doing?"

Ryan dropped Brendon's wrist and spun around. "Oh, uh...we--"

"I got something in my eye," Brendon blurted, bringing his hand up to rub furiously at one of his eyes. "I need to rinse it out with water, Ryan was helping me find a bathroom."

Ryan was impressed and slightly horrified by how easily Brendon was able to come up with a lie on the spot like that. He looked at Spencer and nodded dumbly, not trusting himself to talk without saying something stupid. Brendon could handle this one.

"Well, that's not the bathroom," Spencer told them. Did he sound suspicious, or was that just Ryan's paranoia again?

"Can you lead me to one, Spence? It hurts, I can barely see."

"Sure," Spencer said, and came over to put his hand on Brendon's back, steering him toward the bathroom in the dressing area.

Once they were gone, Ryan sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair in frustration. It was going to be a long few days.

*****

Walking back to the bus, there was a huge line of fans waiting for them, squeezing their hands through the openings of the chain-link fence that separated the main parking lot from the tour bus parking area, begging for pictures and autographs. Zack led them over, pulling Sharpie markers from his pocket. He was always prepared. "We only have 5 minutes, guys," he warned the fans in a booming voice.

They spent the next 5 minutes shaking hands through the fence, taking scraps of paper and old concert tickets from the fans and scrawling their signatures on them before sliding them back through the fence. Out of the corner of his eye Ryan noticed that Brendon was spending most of his time talking to a female fan. She looked to be about their age, with glossy dark hair and big blue eyes framed with long, dark lashes. She looked familiar, but Ryan couldn't place her. He saw Brendon writing something on the CD insert she'd handed him, and he was writing more than just his signature. As he handed it back through the fence, Ryan overheard him saying, "So text or call me, we'll catch up."

And there it was again: a flash of jealousy that infuriated Ryan. Brendon could do whatever he wanted to, and Ryan could too. They weren't boyfriends, after all. They were...experimenting. Ryan was the teacher and Brendon was the student, and once all the lessons had been taught, Brendon would move on and most likely go back to being with women. That was the problem with bisexuality (yes, Ryan was starting to put that label on it): it doubled the competition. But what was Ryan competing for? When he allowed himself to think about it, he didn't see a future for him and Brendon. The whole thing seemed more like a joke to Brendon than anything else.

Ryan absentmindedly continued signing autographs and taking pictures with fans until Zack announced that time was up and they needed to head back to the bus. A huge shout of protest came from the fans, but Zack firmly said, "Sorry, guys, we've gotta hit the road."

Back on the bus, Ryan couldn't stop himself. Trying to keep his voice casual, he asked Brendon, "Who was that girl?"

"What girl? Oh, you mean the dark-haired one? That's Sarah. We met like 6 months ago at a party. She had a boyfriend at the time, but apparently she's single now. She's friends with some of my old friends."

"Oh," Ryan said. He knew he should just drop the subject, but he had to ask, "So...are you going to call her?"

Brendon shrugged. "Don't have her number. I gave her mine, so I guess the ball's in her court."

"Oh," Ryan said again.

Brendon was looking at him quizzically, but he didn't say anything. He didn't think he liked the way this conversation was going.

They both stood there looking at each other; a confused face-off. Finally Brendon shook his head as if to clear it and said, "Alright, well, I'm gonna take a quick shower, I didn't get to inside the venue."

"Ok. I'm going to bed, I'm tired. See you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Ry."