Crazy Stupid Love//Destiel//Sabriel

Chapter Four: Hospital Filled Guilt

Balthazar's POV

I had left my class earlier than usual. I promised him I would be there and I couldn't let him down, not after all I've done. None of his brothers actually visit him, its just me and rarely Castiel. Castiel, occasionally stops by with me. Castiel and I want him to change and we both know in our hearts he can change, if he wanted to and tried; and he's trying to change, for me.
I try to go down at least twice a week, usually cutting at least one of my afternoon classes. Castiel tries, honestly he does try to go with me at least once a week, that is if he can manage to get out of the house without getting caught by Lucifer, I usually take him on weekends because he can't exactly skip school, like I do because his dad would kill him, and he needs to graduate.
I go to an art school a couple miles away from him; I go on an art scholarship, I decided to go there because it was the closest art school to him. I wanted to be as close as possible to him and honestly only be a call away, if he ever needs me and he frequently does, but I don't mind because I love him.
I still blame myself for putting him in there. If I hadn't have done what I did I don't think he would've snapped but I wasn't thinking about that, back then I was very selfish and I only ever cared about myself.
I sigh starting my junky car, I keep complaining that I need to get a new one, it turns over. I slam my fists against my steering wheel in anger, the horn honks. "Of fucking course!" I mumble to myself trying to start my car, until it finally starts. I glance in my rearview mirror before speeding off, I'm going at least five over like usual.
I can't believe he's been like this for almost four years, I'm the one who fucked up my adoption by fucking around with my foster brother, Lucifer. He found out, he saw us, he's the one who walked in on us, and he tried to kill Lucifer. Then Chuck found out and I couldn't get adopted anymore but I didn't care, I didn't really want to be adopted but I couldn't tell Chuck, that without feeling guilty about breaking his heart. He always said he loved me and seeing him break as I told him I didn't want an adoption would drive me mad.
I pull into the parking lot. I glance at the sign above the road colored door, it's new they must've just replaced it, I vaugley remember it being gone the last time I was here. The new sign looks decent but honestly I liked the old sign better, Emerald Grove Mental Hospital, with the bright new lettering in an emerald green shade, you'd think it was a nice place a lot nicer then it actually is. I sigh, reaching back in the backseat grabing my dark blue messenger bag and sling it over my left shoulder. I shrug slightly and walk in.
I see the usual nurse at her post, waiting for visitors, she's the nicest one here. "Hello, Ms. Deborah, I'm here to see Michael Novak as usual," I say softly.
"Balthazar Shurley, right?" She asks sweetly.
"Yes, ma'am."
"He got transferred to a different wing, he has more freedoms now. I think he's in his room now, but I would talk to the head nurse if he isn't in there," She smiles softly, "He's no longer considered a danger to himself or others, that's an improvement." They started seeing some improvements in his state about five months ago when I started coming by and seeing him, staying and talking with him for a while on a fairly regular basis.
"That's good. We were talking about that the last time I was down here. What's the room and wing again?" I smile back.
"The west wing, his room number is seventy-seven."
"Thank you, have a nice day I hope I see you on my way out." I smile waving behind me.
I remembered we had been checking out the hallway with one of Michael's doctors when they broached the subject of possibly moving him, he was showing a lot of positive changes to seeing me. He always looked forward to seeing me, I always brought him something, this time I brought him some art. Last week he was complaining that I never being him my art, he thought I quit on art like I did everything else.
I knock on his door softly.  
"Come in,"he says softly from the other side of the door.
I open the door. "Hey Micheal, how are you?" I ask softly.
"I'm good, I got a new room. Balthy, it's bigger!" He smiles widely.
"I can see. You don't have to share this room do you?" I smile back.
"Nope, it's just me."
"That's good. I brought you something."
"What is it?" His face lights up.
I pull out a poster sizes portrait of Michael. "It was for a project and there's no room in my dorm room for it and I asked the staff if you could have it, they said if you wanted it."
"Did you...?" He's awestruck.
"Yeah."
"You're better then I remember." He looks up with a smile and a sparkle in his eyes.
"I'm not that good." I blush lightly.
"Don't be fucking modest Balthy!" He smiles.
I stare at him for a few moments before he breaks the deafening silence. "I remember why I'm here?" He frowns a little.
"And that is?" I ask hoping he actually remembers.
"You."
"Yeah, because of me." I shrug staring at him.
"Mostly because Lucifer disobeyed my trust."
"I never knew that."
"I never talked about it. He was my full brother, I trusted him! I was so fucking stupid!" He looks up; hurt in his greenish blue eyes, it's clear he's about to cry.
"Michael, it's okay. You didn't know he would do that."
"I know, I didn't know. I should've known." He looks quietly at the floor for a few moments.
"I'm gonna hang this up."
I sigh going to stand up. He reaches out and grabs my hand. "Please don't move."
"Alright."
"Is Cas, coming Saturday?"
"Why do you care if he does it not? It's not like when you talk when he's here."
"He does, he has a soothing voice."
"He has a soothing voice. What about mine?" I mock hurt.
"Your is soothing as well as some other things."
I blush, "Michael!"
"What? Its true."
"You know they don't know the truth, right?"
"They who?"
"Castiel and Gabriel, they only know Lucifer's side which we both know his word is slanderous."
"Yeah. I figured Lucifer would start telling lies as soon as I was out of there. He likes to be in control of everything the way you think and feel, he wants to be in control of it." He sighs and shrugs, "I'm glad he didn't get to you to."
"I was there, when it happened, I stopped you two. I believed him or at least wanted to believe him, but I remembered. I always had that memory of that day with me. And then came time for me to graduate, I had promised you I wouldn't drop out, and I have a full ride scholarship for arts. The campus was close to here so I decided on the school. It's a drive from home, I make it everyday sometimes I stay with a friend. But I chose it so I could see you easier."
"I thank you for that. They say seeing you is helping me get better."
"Yeah they tell me that too." I smile weakly.
"You should've let us kill each other. It would've been easier." He looks away.
"You know that's not true."
"Yeah, its not true. It's not true." He mumbles to himself, reminding him.
"Did I tell you the last time I was here Castiel has a boyfriend?"
"No, you didn't. Tell me about this guy that's dating my baby brother."
"His name is Dean and he's a gentleman. He's sweet on Castiel. He calls him Cas." I smile. "I've only met him once, the last time I was up there and he's a nice guy. Heard he beat up Gabriel."
"I'm not surprised, he's a little shit." He chuckles.
"That's accurate." I smile.
"How's that Anna girl, the one who was in the other ward?"
"You didn't hear?"
"No, what happened?"
"They're not sure how she got ahold of the pills but she overdosed a few days before I moved rooms." He looks away sadly.
"Michael, it's not your fault."
"I know, I'm going to miss her. She was always nice to me."
"I know she was a genuinely nice person, I never saw her interact with someone negatively."
"Yeah, she was nice to everyone. They said they'd let me have a day trip for the funeral."
"That's good. I'll go with you." I smile at him.
"Yeah, you should. Moral support."
"Yeah." I sigh.
We sit in silence for maybe half an hour stating at each other, my mind roaming. I'm the one to finally break the silence.
"Do you want me to put this up?" I ask reffering to the poster sized portrait.
"Nah, I'll put it up later. You should be going. It's getting late. Be safe and careful."
"I always am. I'll see you later, Saturday, and Cas might be with me."
"Okay, I'll see you then. I love you, Balthy."
"I love you to Mikey." I lean down and kiss his forehead an then his left cheek. "I'll see you Saturday, the same time as usual."
With that I grab my bag and leave his room. I walk back to my car, it's parked right outside the front entrance, towards the left side of it. I put the key in the ignition and turn, the car slowly hums to life. I drive off slower, going a little under the speed limit my mind lost in thought. How would I ever tell anyone what happened? Why I go and see Michael? They wouldn't understand, they'd think I've lost my mind too because they all believe Lucifer, a pathological liar. I absent mindedly turn on the radio and hum along to whatever song is currently playing on the station, it's modern pop.