Choices and Mistakes

Chapter 5: "Ms. Writer Got Nothing To Say?"

*this chapter is the first entry in Janie's notebook, so like a flashback.*

CHAPTER 5

Thursday, October 10th

     My bestfriend, Nina, was sitting on my bedroom floor doing her homework. Her gorgeous red locks was slowly unravelling from her bun, yet my bestfriend was still beautiful. Looking at her, I sighed, and debated on whether it was truly time to tell her. My heart pounded in my ears, my blood raced through my veins, and my breathing was unsteady.

     She looked up at me then as I stood there in the doorway, "Janieee, don't be a creep and just watch me."

     I laughed uncertain, "Nina, I'm no creep, you're the one sitting in the middle of my room. That's much creepier. "

     "Touché bestie," she laughed with me as we shared the inside joke, "so what's on your on mind?"

     I gulped and became quite panicked, "what are you talking about?"

     "Oh come on Jan, I've known you since kindergarten, I think I know when you're thinking of something and it's troubling you," she answered laughing harder.

     "Oh," I answered and let out a sigh of relief. I crossed the hardwood floor, and sat in front of her. She took my hands in hers and I took a deep breath. This is it, I thought to myself. I looked at our clasped hands, "I self harm."

     "Janie?"

     "Hmm?"

     "Look at me," and I did, "you know that's not something to joke about."

     I sighed, knowing this'd happen, "I know, that's why I'm not kidding."

     "Please Jan, you'd never," a smile creeped on her face, still thinking I was joking. Before she could go on, I unclasped our hands and rolled my sleeves. There, I revealed the truth, scar upon scar. I've told her nothing but the truth. The smile on her face disappeared just as quickly as it came. Fear wiped away the comedic look on her face.

     She still wasn't speaking so I tried to explain. "Nina, I've never told anyone but you. Please don't tell a soul," I took a deep breath, "I never meant to start or to get so deep into it but you've seen what I've gone through. Nothing's been easy anymore, it's getting worse. I'm sinking. Life took a huge dip down for me, there's been to much. You've got to understand, I'm still me."

     She lifted her eyes off my wrists and shook her eyes. "I don't-Janie, yes I know nothing's been easy for you but I don't understand why you'd do this."

     "Because that. The world isn't in favour of me living anymore! I don't think it ever was!"

     "Oh Jan, please don't be suicidal too." I looked at her silently, unable to put my words together. "Ms. Writer got nothing to say?" I gaped at her, she's never called me that. Only the jocks did. Ugh, Russel is seriously the worst influence. "Look Janie, I've got some words for you, stop now, you should've stopped a long time ago but looks like you didn't. So stop now."

     "Don't you think I've tried? Again and again, I'd go for days not cutting but I'd break one day and go back. I've never lasted longer than a week but after each 'break' I go right back, deeper then ever, worse than before. This is harder then you think, I've tried but I can't stop."

     She sighed, her fierce blue-grey eyes pierced mine, "Yes you can, you're Janie Fray for crying out loud! You've done so many things no one else dared to do! So you can stop this, please."

     I laughed, "oh Nina, those were different times, not as difficult tasks. This, my dear bestie, isn't anything like that."

     She looked at my clock, "no Jan, this isn't, you're just forcing yourself to think that it is. Anyways, I've gotta go home," she started packing her things. "I'll see you tomorrow."

     I watched her stunned, "no Nina, please don't leave me." I'm unable to comprehend what's happened. She walks to the door with me trailing behind her like a lost puppy.

     "I'll be in touch, call me if you need anything," and just like that my best friend since kindergarten walked out the door without a glance back.

Friday, October 11th

     The next day at school, I tried to talk about it but she brushed me off like I was a spec of dirt. By the end of the day she finally acknowledged me.

     "JANIE!" Nina screamed from across the courtyard. "Jan, hold on!"

     I turned her way and watched her as she ran towards me. "Yes Nina?" I asked, when she finally reached me.

     She tried catching her breath and raised her hand to me, "I need to talk to you." She rested that hand on my shoulder.

     "Well we're talking now aren't we?" I couldn't help the bitterness that crawled into my voice. I've been trying all day to talk to her and she choses now, after a long crappy day, to talk to me.

     "Right, of course," she looked around us nervously.

     "And..?" I asked her, irritated.

     "Right, so, where was I. Janie we've been through a lot together, you know just how much we've grown together. You've become a big part of my life and I love and care for you as a sister that I've never had."

     I raised an eyebrow, she had an older sister and a younger one. She's the middle child. "Nina-"

     "No Janie let me talk."

     I shrugged in reply.

     "Okay, anyways, you're not you. I don't know who you are anymore. You've changed." She patted my arm, "give me a call when you're you, I'll see you around okay?"

     I gaped at her, unable to speak. This wasn't what I expected. My tongue went numb and I didn't utter a word. Nina gave me a half-hearted smile and scurried away. I stood there and watched her disappear into the moving crowd. I turned and ran, trying not to cry but as soon as I got home, I collapsed on the bathroom floor and sobbed.

     I sat on the floor, and stared at my wrists. I locked the door and opened a tiny box. I took a deep breath in, tried to ease my nerves. Shakily I took the contents of the box out.

     Before that day, I've never cut so hard but every time after that, it just got deeper.

~~

{unedited}