Abbys quotes

explaining depression to mom

My depression is a shape shifter, one day it is as small as a firefly in a Palm of a beer the next it's the beer on those days I play dead until the beer leaves me alone. I call the bad days the dark days.

Mom says: try lighting a candle.
When I see a candle i see the flesh of a church, the flicker of  flames sparks like a memory younger than Noon. I am standing beside her open casket, it is the moment I learn every person I come to know will some day die, besides mom I'm not afraid of the dark perhaps that's part of the problem.

Mom says: I thought the problem was you can't get out of bed?
I can't. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my own house, inside of my head

Mom says: where did anxiety comes from?
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. Mom, I am the party!! Only I am a party I don't want to be at

Mom says: why don't you try going to actual parties?
See your friends sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don't wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't wanna have fun, mom😭.!
You see mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in its arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light.. insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.

Mom says: try counting sheep.
But my mind can only count the reasons to stay awake. So I go for walks but my stuttering knee caps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists they ring in my ears like clumpys church bells reminding me I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I can not baptize myself in.

Mom says: happy is a decision but my happy is as hallow as a pin-pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break!

Mom says: I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying!! No!! I am afraid of living mom, I am lonely I think I learnt it how when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy so when I tell you I've been super busy lately I mean ive been falling asleep watching sports center on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed but my depression always drags me back to my bed until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city my mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves the hallow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat but I am careless tourist here. I will never truly know everywhere I have been.. but mom still doesn't understand.. mom can't you see that I don't either..
So before you judge me or call me anything please understand what I have been through. What I have to go through everyday, every month, every year and it seems as if people still talk bad about me!!! People change!!... so before you point out other people's mistakes, make sure you point out yours..