just unsent letters

letter #3

dear whoever this may be in my future,

tonight, i witnessed something that i thought i wouldn't ever see. and now, i am scared. i am confused. i am lost. i am unaware. i am everything i thought i would never be. i'm terrified.

this whole concept of love seems to be bullshit.

i know... me? saying something like that?

yeah, i know. it confused me too.

if i fall in love with you and you miraculously feel the same way, please do not hurt me. i am begging you. i am deeply enraged and i am beyond upset. if you ever hurt me the way this guy hurt my best friend, there will be hell to pay.

do not promise to love me because you think that is what i want to hear. promise to love me because that is what you want to do. promise to love me because you know you have what it takes to love me-- or rather because you are willing to put up with whatever i may throw in front of you. promise to love me because you won't give up.

with that, i say: do not give up on me. please. on some days, i will be too much to handle, and there may be times where i don't even realize just how much i'm giving off. i just need you to bear with me. i am and i will be too much handle, but please do not say "i love you" if you're not willing to put up a fight. if times get tough or if i just become way too much, don't give up so easily. i am better than those days. and i know you will witness those days, but please prove that you deserve every single second of my happiness by sticking through my rough times.

do not just love me at my best. "i love you," is what you said. you love me. all of me-- at least that's what it means to me. you didn't say that you only love me when i'm pleasantly sweet or unrecognizably kind. you love me. me. let that resonate in your mind and soul. let that sit in the palms of your hand before you ever even offer to tell me those words. do not throw it around like a simple "hello" because that is not what it's meant for. those three words have meanings beyond comprehension. if you are not willing to travel the distance with me, then do not even say those words. say it when you know it's right. say it when you think-- know-- that i am the sole reason for "falling in love." say it when you know you won't ever do anything to make me question it.

i have never ever fallen in love at this point of my life, but if i fall in love with you, please make it good. make it feel so good that i will never ever doubt how it feels even when we do fall out of love with each other. please make me fully understand how it feels to truly be loved and protected. make me finally understand why people would ever consider going through this whirlwind of emotion. i want to know. and, i'm hoping that you would show me proper loving-- loving that you mean and loving that you wouldn't be embarrassed to show the world. just loving "love" and yourself and me.

i am jealous and insecure, always have been and probably will be in the future. and, that is something that i've been aiming to change. i hate it, but there is a part of me that hopes that you love it. i know it's not the most desirable of features, but i hope you learn how to deal with it-- not out of pity and not because i expect you to... but because it is something you know you want to do. because you see me in your future, and you know that you will end up loving it. accept me with all the flaws i hate about myself but accept them because you find them imperfectly perfect and that you wouldn't want me any other way.

if i fall in love with you and you fall in love with me, i hope we end up balancing the weight the world brings upon our shoulders with each other. i already understand that the world is not in our favors, and i don't know if they ever will be. but i know for a fact that things get tough when the world is not on your side. trust me, i know and i will understand you and your emotions and whatever else you may bring. i am accepting, but please realize that i will not change my core foundations. i will not alter myself to become who you want to be, and i do not want you to either. change because you want to change-- just don't change because you feel like it would make me happy. you have your own mind and heart-- if it happens to intermingle with mine, then so be it. but you are your own person, and i am my own. we will continue to be who we are willingly. our choices will be our own, and we will integrate each other's opinions with care and consideration. we will be exactly who we are.

you will have me wrapped around your finger... i can already sense that. but honey, please do not stray away from me on the days or weeks i feel suffocated. i have this condition burning in the back of my head where i push away the people that get close to me... the people that care for me... the people that are constant. and my dear, if you plan on staying, there will be days where i cannot even stand the sight of anyone around me, but that is just me being scared. i have never really had people stay with me until the end. well, at least, i probably end up stopping people from doing so. i'm strange, and i need space, but don't stay away from me. if i need my distance, then please give it to me, but do not leave me alone completely. please remind me of your presence. please remind that you are there for me. please give me words of reassurance. please tell me how you feel about me. i just need someone to knock some sense into me. and i give you permission to do that. i trust you.

i am trusting you with every fiber in me. i am trusting you with all my soul. i am trusting you with my entire heart. please do not betray that trust.

this is just the first of many sent to you.

but whoever you are... i hope you are everything that you want to be passionately. i believe in you, and i'll be here whenever fate thinks it's time for us to meet.

here's to you and me and us.

yours truly,

me