just unsent letters

letter #4

dear xx,

i sit here: alone and breathless. i sit here: lost and confused.

you see... that's the problem with people like me. people like me like to overthink until the ends of the world have been discovered. people like me tend to feel so deeply yet lack the passion to ever even show it. people like me are always so scared of losing people that we feel so comfortable with. people like me trust others so easily-- an ounce of attention supplying us with endless happiness. people like me destroy ourselves within a blink of an eye. people like me feel. people like me deserve more.

people like me do not deserve people like you. and, this is not some patronizing letter that highlights everything that i love about you. no, this is something that exemplifies my change and rips away the sadness overbearing my heart. people like me should never meet people like you.

you cannot just jump into my life and give me an immense amount of affection and love and friendship. you cannot just show up and make me feel adored and cared and appreciated. you cannot just weasel your way into my mind and make me trust you.

it just doesn't work like that.

but, no matter how many times my friends have turned their backs against you. no matter how many times they've told me how fake you were. no matter how many rumors i've heard about you. i stood up for you. i told them you had the biggest heart. i told them that you were such a ray of sunshine. i wanted to prove them wrong.

instead, i proved myself wrong.

people like me end up blaming ourselves even when the situation is out of our control.

you left me.

i loved you in the sense that i never met someone that was as expressive as me. i loved you in the sense that your mind was something i looked forward to learning about. i loved you in the sense that losing you was going to hurt. i loved you because you appeared to be so genuine with me. i loved you in the way that any friend could love another.

whenever you did something that would hurt me, i would cry and forgive you so quickly as if nothing happened. whenever you said something stupid, i would laugh it off and roll my eyes as if your words didn't affect me. but that was you.

and i always excused you.

you were manipulative. you were two-faced. you were a hypocrite.

and i defended you.

at the times you felt your lowest. at the times you had no one around you. i welcomed you with open arms because that's how people like me are. at the times you had no one, i was always there by your side.

yet, you ended up forgetting that right when the problem started to dissolve.

i was always your backup, but i never minded. i was always your second choice, but i allowed for it to happen.

i don't think you ever truly cared about me. strangely enough, the words you spoke to me were so endearing, and i wouldn't blame anyone else for believing you.

i was there for you, but you've thrown all that away.

you shattered my confidence. you shattered my trust. and i don't know what i did for you to act as such towards me, but i don't care about you anymore.

whatever we shared for months are still there, but my perception and idea of you have been altered.

you see, people like me tend to overanalyze things which leads to our chaotic self-destruction. we forget, however, that analysis can be therapeutic, and i have casted you out of my life thanks to my thoughts. you may have cut me off first for whatever plausible reason you have in your head, but do not come back to me because the sympathy and appreciation i had for you is shriveling away.

so, now, i sit here with you out of my life. and i have so many questions clouding my mind. but the most important of them all: why did i let myself be treated like that?

i am constantly baffled when i think of this.

you can block me on social media if you want. you can avoid me whenever you see me if that's what you think would benefit you. you can do whatever you want, and honestly, i've learned not to care.

months ago, i would have been so affected that it would reach that point where i would have cried. to the point where i would have done almost anything to get you to speak to me.

but, my gosh, i have grown.

i have grown to be so resilient. i have grown to take care of myself. i have grown to be so much happier without you.

i once wrote about how we should be thankful for everyone that comes into and leaves our lives. so, thank you for showing me that your absence would actually positively impact me. thank you for allowing me to finally breathe clear air once again. thank you for entering my life.

but, now, thank you for leaving.

i've never said that one to you before; i am eternally grateful for the things you've shared and the thoughts i've gained when you disappeared. because of you, i feel like i can take any loss (but i do not know about the loss of someone i truly and deeply love). i think i can take another loss of a friend because i, now, know that you didn't deserve to be in my life. i can take another loss only because i know that i will be able to come back stronger and tougher than i was before.

we've crossed our paths, and that's where the story of our friendship ends.

this is not a letter where i pity myself, but this is one where i pity you.

people like me deserve better than people like you.

yours truly,

me