If Things Should Stay the Same

Chapter 9. Anticipate

"Easy now, easy now. We got this. We got this." He closed his eyes as he inhaled and exhaled in rapid succession – faster than a normal breathing pattern but slower than what could be classified as hyperventilation. His heart still thumping in his ears, he was not sure if he was going to vomit out of nervousness or excitement. But he could definitely feel the contents of his stomach churning about.

He had only heard about the big event that was happening in three days. And he was half-expecting it when he started putting his best foot forward.

No more messing up simple details, no more getting confused with complicated instructions, no more episodic losses of concentration and coordination. He was going to bury that embarrassing part of him back into the depths of his psyche.

That insecure, self-loathing, self-doubting, anxiety-ridden escapist of his high school self would never surface again, he vowed to himself. Such a drastic course of action would not be without consequences, he was well aware of that. But then again, he needed to do this. Not just for himself but also for his sister – the only family he had left.

With the extra money from this job, getting their old home back was more of a realistic goal than a distant daydream. Even better yet, they might just be able to buy a bigger place when factoring in her salary. He could almost imagine the look on her face – the excited laughter and her cheeks drenched with tears of joy – when they would both simultaneous push the doors open as if for a housewarming party.

Taking a deep breath, he then said as if making a hypnotic suggestion to himself, "Clear your mind. Clear your heart. No more chains to shackle me down. The past is irrelevant to the present and cannot be allowed to interfere with the future."

Repeatedly chanting it like a personal mantra with his voice bouncing off the maroon-colored tiles on the walls of the washroom, he could feel something inside of him slowly give way. Visualizing the part of his self which he hated so much in his mind's way, it took the form of a transparent clone of himself although slightly smaller than his actual body. With every syllable articulated, he could somehow see it shrink and retreat further into the shadows of his psyche. That part of him was as good as dead, he smiled contentedly to himself.

His unintentional regression to a previous persona was a mistake that he was determined to keep from happening again. He did not know how much Sir Percival had heard of his old ways but he was ensuring none of that pathetic version of himself would ever manifest and risk tarnishing his reputation in front of his boss.

The change in his attitude and behavior would undoubtedly be picked up by many – especially that strict Sir Bartholomew and Miss Elena. But there was nothing they could do to get rid of him barring sufficient proof that he was completely unsuitable and inept for the work. Meanwhile, many would either appreciate or be entirely indifferent to the sudden inexplicable transformation which were barely hindering outcomes for him.

The moment he was walking out of this, he was going to be as he presented himself when working in his position as the executive assistant in the Garnier Recruitment Agency.

Calm and composed, quick to adapt to most situations. Capable of making rational decisions without being blindsided by external factors, competent in working under pressure, proficient in time and resource allocation. Unwavering dedication to expected duties, good sense of responsibility, effective communication skills. All these attributes were returning to him, reinforcing his belief that he could just make this work.

Opening his eyes, he looked at himself in the mirror and studied his reflection. Neatly-groomed hair, a classy-looking suit and a good posture, he thought he would never see this part of himself again in the presence of his high school friends.