Sa'eed - The Warrior

A tough decision

"Assalamualaikum warahmathullahi wabarakatuh", I greet Shehzada Sher Shah who is busy writing.

"Walaikumassalam warahmathullahi wabarakatuh". He continues writing and does not look up even once. I sit opposite to him.

"Shehzada", I call. There is no reply. I peer in to the papers to see what he is so busy with. They are court documents that he is writing a review on. Well, that wasn't something one would be so engrossed in.

"Shehzada", I call again, only to be met with indifference and silence. I put my hands on the papers blocking his view.

"Take them off", he says formally. That hurts. From when did he speak to me like that? Was he upset with me? What had I done to upset him? Oh! Is this because I had not turned up last night?

"Shehzada, I know you are upset because I couldn't come yesterday. It was only because I was busy with my trainer. I even left a note to explain my absence".

"What note?" His voice is still off. And he doesn't lift his head for a second. How I wish I could just look in to his eyes once. Just to see the emotions in there.

"The note I had left with your food", I say.

"There was no note and there was certainly no food!". His cold manner breaks my heart. That's it! If he was so indifferent why should I bother?

"Take care Shehzada!", I say getting up. I open the cupboard to leave when I am pulled back from behind. I turn to look at him. If I am hurt and angry then it is nothing compared to what I see in his eyes. The intense emotions in there can easily drill a hole through my soul. They are filled with anguish, misery, grief and love! Yes love! I can see it as plain as daylight. The look sends a jolt through me.

"Saeed", he says with feeling. Who knew voice could portray so much? 

"Do you remember you had asked me why I hated studying before?", he says. I nod, not understanding how this is relevant. "I used to be a loner Saeed. I craved for the attention of my father. I ached for his appreciation. But he never gave me a second look. I felt when he didn't even care then why should I bother myself with the hard work. All I had was my mother. Though she guided and counselled me, it never filled the void. My life had an empty hole. I lost interest in everything. I gave up even before trying. I had no aim, no hopes, no faith. I was merely existing, just breathing day after day. And then Allah sent you for my guidance. You gave back purpose to my life. You have become a part of it. Without you my life was nothing, is nothing and will be nothing. One night of your absence, and I couldn't take it. Are you understanding me, Saeed?"

This is too much to take in. I feel like I have plunged into ice cold water on a freezing winter night. The sudden shock of hearing all that from Shehzada's own mouth had my heart racing. All my fears are confirmed. I had landed myself into a mess. The mission that was supposed to be purely professional had now become too personal. Wasn't this a trap of Shaitan? I should either be saying Astaghfirullah (May Allah forgive me) and moving away or I should be doing my best to make this relationship halal as soon as possible.

Now the question is, what do I choose? My brain opts for the first option while my heart wants the second.

"You don't want to become the future Malika. It's too much of a responsibility. Your job was just to get Shehzada on track", my brain says.

"But will you be able to live with another man now that you have tasted his love?", my heart argues.

"You are but a commoner. You are meant to live in a hut not in a palace. You are not cut for royalty. Shehzada is blinded by infatuation. What if he feels pairing with you was a mistake later on? Go ahead with a simple life and a simple husband. You will have no fear of being rejected", my brain says.