Lost Without You

5

Present day

Harry's POV:

One day. One day she has been like this. Laying in this stupid hospital bed, with tubes sticking out all over her. One was helping her breath, one was dripping some kind of liquid into her arm. She looked terrible and I couldn't stand it.

Its been a long time since i bothered to wipe away my tears, I just let them fall until they stopped, until I had no more left in me. I couldn't stand anything, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I just couldn't function knowing that Lilly might never wake up again.

Why Lilly? Why do this now? You were getting so much better. You had me.

My string of thoughts were interrupted by someone clearing their throat by the doorway. My head snapped up and I look at the face I've gotten to know so well in the past few years. She wore the same tear stained face as I did. Ella.

I stood up and walked over to her slumped body, leaning against the door frame for support. She looked ready to collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. I pulled her into a tight hug and she just sobbed into my shoulder, and we both stood there for a few minutes crying in each others arms.

When I pulled away I looked at her.

"I don't understand." I croaked out, "Why now? She was getting so much better." Ella just burst into more sobs after I said that. I didn't quite understand why, I thought she was going to agree with me or go on some rant like she usually does. But she just stood there sobbing and sobbing. I pulled her in for another tight hug and held her until her sobs seemed to quiet down.

When we pull away, Ella wiped her cheeks, careful not to smear her mascara and reaches into her pocket.

"Um, I went to your apartment today." She says between sniffles. I didn't really care, she was always in and out. She was making it sound like I would be mad at her. Of course I wasn't, she practically made it her house when she was there. She knew where our spare key was and sometimes Lilly and I would wake and and Ella would be there making a cup of coffee in our kitchen. "Um, the door was unlocked," She added. It seemed like she was uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I left it that way, I was just in such a hurry I didn't really bother with the door." I explain.

"Oh, well, I went in the apartment to go check on you, I didn't know if you were going to be there or here so I checked there first, and when I was walking through your bedroom..." She trailed off.

"What Ella? What were you saying." I pushed.

"I found this." She burst into sobs once more while holding a little folded up note in her hand. My heart stopped. "Its for you." No its not. That's not what i think it is. My whole body froze into place. No, no, no, no Lilly you didn't. I look back at my sleeping beauty.

Well why else do you think shes like this? My annoying subconscious remarks. Raising a shaky hand I take the piece of paper. Its the note pad she used when she needed reminders. She would tape them up all over the apartment and sometimes would still forget to do whatever the reminder said. 

I made my way back over to the chair next to the bed, while Ella made her way next to Lilly and held her hand while crying into the mattress. I look at Lilly and run the back of my hand down the side of her face, brushing back any of her hairs that were in the way.

I looked back at the small note in my hands, and carefully opened the paper.

Harry-Im sorry, I truly am sorry. I know I was getting better and you were so supportive. You were always there for me.

I got the pills a few days ago, I was going to flush them down the toilet a couple times, and I was going to tell you, but I always chickened out and told myself I would probably never use them anyway, well not all at once.

Its almost 7 which means you'll probably will be getting up in about a half an hour.

Did I ever tell you how peaceful you look when you sleep, its like looking at a baby. I gave you a kiss and told you I love you one last time. I carefully ruffled your hair one last time, and I walked out of our room one last time.

I just took the whole bottle of pills, I feel so relaxed right now, like I'm finally feel at peace. Im finally going to be free from all of the hate, from all of the rumors, from everything.

I'm getting really tired now and you should be waking up soon. I'm going to slip this under the door and then I'll be on my way. Don't you ever forget that I love you. I want you to grow old and meet someone nice. Make sure they treat you good, but don't ever forget me. Keep me in your heart and I'll keep you in mine.

Love  Lilly x

Keep me in your heart and I'll keep you in mine. That's what I said to her when she finally agreed to move into an apartment together. I told her that when she went away to visit her sister. I told her that every time she left, and now she told it to me.

Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you flush the pills down the toilet? Why didn't you let me help you? Why didn't you wake me?

All of these why questions were popping up in my head. I read the note over and over and over.

Why wasn't I there for you? Its my fault. I didn't show her that I cared enough. I didn't tell her I loved her enough. I didn't save her.

Fresh tears spilled out and I banged my fist on the arm of the chair. Then running my hands through my hair and pulling hard.

"Please! Don't blame yourself!" Ella squeaked.

"But..." I started

"I know." She cut me off, "You helped her so much. You made her feel special. You made her feel loved. You were always there for her." It was like she was reading my mind. "Everyone is going to wish they could have done more, but shes not gone yet, her heart is still beating and that's because of you. Your the one who called the ambulance and your why she is still here. So don't you dare go blaming yourself because your the reason why she stayed so long." I was speechless. "And besides, she wouldn't want you to be beating yourself up." I nodded still unable to say anything.

Just then, her heart monitor flat lined.