But I'm Just a Boy // phan

(15)

The sun was almost gone when we finally reached the outskirts of a town. We were hopeful as we continued through; maybe this could be the kingdom we were intent on finding.

A woman approached us and we slowed, and Phil smiled at her.

"Good evening," he said, "We search the kingdom of lies. Could this place perhaps be it?" The woman smiled.

"Sorry, love, but the kingdom you seek does not exist." Phil looked dejected for a second, but then narrowed his eyes.

"And your hair," he commented, touching his crown again, "it is brown, correct?" The woman smirked, tugging on the end of her chocolate plait.

"No, sir, you must be mistaken." Phil smiled, and nodded to her.

"Pleasure." he said, and we continued on. "That was harrowing." he said to me as we rode.The sun finally disappeared under the horizon as we reached the castle.

"We've done it," I said, dismounting my horse in disbelief, "We've actually done it." The three of us looked around for a second, as if we expected a fan fare or a choir, or even just Mary to appear out of thin air, congratulate us for completing the task and give us our next.

"What now?" Catherine asked. We tied our horses to a stake outside the castle and approached the guard on foot. He held a lantern up.

"Who goes there?" he questioned. Phil raised his hand in greeting.

"I am Phillip, prince of Phantasia, and this is my traveling party. We seek refuge in your castle for the night." The guard eyed us up and down.

"I don't think the queen would be pleased by this." he grumbled, stepping aside. Phil shook his head in bewilderment at me as we entered, carrying our bags on our backs.

There was a party going on, and, as we entered, drinks were pushed into our hands and food pressed to our mouths, the world was spinning and the people were spinning and people were laughing and before we could stop ourselves we were a part of it.

"Stay together..." I tried to say but the burning drink was already dripping down my throat.

I drank three glasses while we looked for something to do and pretty soon I didn't know where I was yet I still drank deeply from the cup in my hands, but it kept getting filled up and the lanterns hanging from the ceiling burned brightly like the sun but it was night, Phil was somewhere but Catherine was still by my side, and she was saying something but I didn't hear her, and I was eating something else, where is Phil?, someone grabbed my hand and we began to dance, and I never wanted to leave.

I saw someone who looked like Mary in the crowd but she disappeared, and a boy was whispering in my ear, and I mumbled Phil's name and he said he could be whoever I wanted him to be, but I shook my head and screamed Phil, and I saw him in the corner but the world was spinning.

Catherine was gone now, and people were saying that they loved me, and I couldn't breath, but I was drinking again, and I was happy. I was so happy, and now someone is touching me, and someone is looking into my eyes, and he was beautiful and he led me away from the crowd and screamed at me but I just leaned in drunkenly.

"Dan! What are you-" but our foreheads were touching and then we were kissing and I still couldn't breath but it felt nice. I pulled away but the boy wasn't Phil, it was someone else, and Phil was tugging at me so I fell into his arms, laughing, and he was looking at me, and he dragged me away and outside, and I struggled but not too much, but then my drink was slapped out of my hand and I frowned because I didn't know where it was.

Suddenly, I was falling and then I was immersed in something very cold and wet, and I swam to the top of the pond, sputtering. Phil held me, and instructed me to take a deep breath, which I did.

Soon, I calmed down. I breathed some more, and my head hurt, but I gulped up pond water like my life depended on it, and Phil soothed me as I began to cry. My head was spinning but at least I could think straight.

"What just happened." I asked, and Phil and I got out of the moat, and the guard at the front pretended he didn't see us. We laid in the grass to dry off.

"You're drunk."

"He said he loved me."

"We're in the Kingdom of Lies."

We went silent, and Phil pointed up to the stars. The sky was so clear and the stars glowed brightly.

"My star." He whispered. His hand dropped back onto his stomach. I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away. "You remember when we were kids?" My brain was cloudy but I did, so I stayed silent. He chuckled. "We were so naive. The world revolved around us." I vaguely remember kissing a boy a few minutes ago. Was he not going to say anything about that? About anything that just happened? "You chose that star for me. And I chose one for you. Remember which?"

My voice was strangled. "No." He pointed up again.

"See Orion? The one in the middle of his belt." I nodded. My stomach was twisting in knots and my throat was constricting. I've only ever kissed one person before, and that was Phil. The boy in there was not Phil, though I remember him saying he was. No- I can be anyone you want me to be.

"That was nice." Phil said. My stomach twisted sharply, and I shot up and retched, the bile burning my throat as it made its way up and out. I felt Phil's hand on my back, rubbing circles and soothing me with tiny shushes. I threw up again, the vomit steaming on the cold grass. I began to cry, and Phil shushed me again.

"You just can't hold a drink." He chuckled. I gagged, but nothing more came up, and now I was just dry retching and Phil was soothing me, pressing his cheek against my back. "That's a good thing." He whispered. I didn't even know why I was crying- nothing and everything. Phil and my painful love for him and his painful ignorance, Catherine and her lies, the alcohol that tore my family and my throat apart, this curse, the opinions people have about me and my taste for boys. The way the stars began to laugh at me as my drunken tears mixed with my bile.

"You're going to be okay." Phil whispered into the night. "We're all going to be okay."