But I'm Just a Boy // phan

(20)

I can't stand it anymore. If I have to watch one more kiss, one more girl make her way up the stairs, one more tear shed, I would go insane.

So I quit. I dropped my sword, and left. Chris caught up with me while the entire hall's eyes were on me.

We had given up on the order. Hell, it was the last thing we could be thinking about as guards were dropping like flies, quitting left and right, and doctors were explaining away their absences with plague epidemics that never happened.

That might be the only reason I stayed for so long. Chris and I were one of five guards that still watched Phil in the night and stood over him in the day. But the disorganisation was killing me, not to mention how much I felt for Phil.

I dreamt about him the night before I quit. I couldn't stop dreaming about him, but this time it was different. He wasn't awake like he was in all my other fantasies. He was comatose like he was in real life, his face set like stone, his heart beating slowly. I leaned next to him, aware of thousands of eyes on me even though there was no one in the room. I hovered over him for a second, taking him in as I had so many time, and kissed him, kissed him like my life depended on it, kissed him because his life did depend on it, kissed him because I hated him so much for leaving me and because I was so scared he wasn't going to wake up.

I kissed him because I was tired of hiding, kissed him because if there was anyone who was my true love, it would be him.

But, in true nightmare fashion, he stayed asleep.

I handed my armour to Chris with tears biting the back of my eyes. He gave me a sad look but took it without a word. I turned, passing by the two guards who were carrying a fountain designed to spit wine.

I traveled quickly to my chambers, and sat on my bed.

I stared at the ground for a while, biting my tongue, thinking about, what else, Phil. His predicament was all I could think about. Was it my fault? Should I have gone to him instead of being such a whimp and running? Should I have heard him out instead of coming back to the castle?

I felt a scream bubble from my lips, and I just screamed and screamed, the sound reverberating off the walls, making my throat sore, pushing everything from my mind except the hurt, making me cry more which made me scream more. I had to go home now. I couldn't keeping living here now that I quit.

Why do I do that to myself? Why do I try to avoid pain instead of facing it head on?

The scream faded away, and, eventually, so did the tears. I stopped feeling anything, and just stared at the ground. I needed to pack. I had to get up and get out, but for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't move, maybe because I was too tired, maybe because I didn't want to. Maybe it was because if I got up, the world would start again, and I'd have to face my dad, and the rest of the world.

And I didn't want to. I wanted to stay here forever.