Finn wanted to tell Archie what happened with Rae, but it seemed wrong to spread her business with her mum. Plus, Finn didn't want Archie to somehow piece together that Archie only became part of the gang because his best friend is mental. This had to be Finn's little secret. He didn't like how many of those he had lately. He used to tell Archie everything, but things have changed. They hadn't even talked about Finn's stay in hospital. Finn wanted to, but didn't know how. He didn't want to seem weak or helpless, and that's exactly what he was in those four months separated from the world.
It was Thursday now. Finn had been back for a while and was getting into the groove of things. He sat at the pub, quietly listening to the conversation unfolding at the table. His stomach hurt. He felt nauseated. The conversation faded away as he began to think about how simple life used to be when he was a kid, before he got fat. He tried really hard to remember it, the moment when he began to change. Where he got a fold in his stomach, when his body became jiggly. He had an idea, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it.
Izzy nudges Finn. "Are you okay?" She asks. Her face shows concern. Archie looks at Finn and Izzy from his seat. He was so sucked into talking with the gang, he didn't realise how distant Finn was. "Yeah, I'm fine." Finn replies, drinking his beer and trying to bring himself back to the present. Lately, his mind kept going back to his body and the disgust with it. Even drinking with the gang, he wondered how each beer would affect his body, how it would contribute to his fat. Things were different now, with him and Archie. It really hurt him that Archie forgot he was there. He was able to slip out of Archie's mind as he socialized with his new friends. He felt his best friend tuning him out. Finn wasn't a part of the gang. He felt on the outside of things, sort of like a burden. He didn't understand why. The pool party went surprisingly well, and he liked everyone enough, so why did he feel like such an outsider? Finn was quiet the rest of the night. No one talked to him until Chloe pulled him apart from the gang right before he left.
"You know, I see you eying Izzy." She started. "Huh?" Finn responded, confused. "You fancy her?" Chloe asked. "No, she just asked me how I-" Finn started, being cut short by Chloe. "She won't go for you. She's got it in for Chop, obviously. And, no offense, but girls don't fancy guys with-" she made a motion across Finn's stomach with her hand, "all of this going on. Sorry, it's the truth. I'm tellin ya this because I care about you. Maybe find a fat girl, there's few of them at school. We'll help you find someone once college starts. It'll be fun, a challenge." Chloe said. Finn was still processing what had happened. "Uh.. Okay." He said, unsure of what the exchange meant. He wasn't sure if it was malicious or not. The line felt so fine. "Great!" Chloe said, cheerfully as she left. Finn walked home, feeling incredibly lost. He stopped by the store and bought a large bag of crisps. He ate them all before getting home.
Once he got to his room, he called Archie's house. His dad answered. "Hello?" He said. Archie's dad was a typical dad, nice and polite. Finn always wished Archie and him were brothers so they could share parents. "Hi, Mr. Cohen. Could I talk to Archie please?" Finn said. "Sorry, Finn. Archie's not home yet. I'll tell him to call once he comes in" Mr. Cohen replied. That threw Finn off. Archie should've been home already. Where was he? "Oh, okay. Thank you." Finn responded, almost hanging up before Archie's dad piped up again. "How're you doing, son? Since hospital?" He asked. Finn was caught off guard at the question. No one had asked him that yet, not even his own dad. "Um, I'm doing.. Better." Finn responded. "Good, good. Remember you're always welcome over. I consider you to be another one of my kids." Archie's dad told him. "Yeah..." Finn trailed off, not knowing what to say. There was a slight pause before Archie's dad let him go. "Well, okay. I'll let you go now." Finn was quick to hang up after saying bye.
He laid on his bed, waiting for something to happen. He listened to an Oasis tape (twice) and one Smiths tape before Archie called. "Hey!" Finn answered, unaware that he was letting himself sound so desperate. "Hey." Archie replied. Something in his voice felt different. He didn't reply flatly, but he didn't speak back in his usual tone. "Where were you?" Finn asked, weary to ask Archie straight away what was wrong. "I was with Rae." Archie said. Finn sat up, more alert. "Who else?" He asked, hoping it was some group thing that he was excluded from. That would've hurt less. Finn was used to that. Archie hesitated. "Just... Rae and I." Finn was quiet. The silence was unsettling. "We, uh, went for a swim. At the leisureplex." Archie added, after a moment. "Oh." Finn said. Now how voice was sounding different to Archie. "What happened?" Finn asked.
"We kissed. That's all. I was asking her out for Saturday and we kinda just... Went." Archie heard himself try to make the situation sound better. He knew Finn liked Rae. "Why would you do that? I thought you were my friend." Finn responded. He felt betrayed. "I mean, I don't know. I really don't." Archie replied. It was quiet again. Finn was so hurt and confused. He knew Archie was gay. He had to be. He didn't understand what was happening. "Come on, Finn. You know I've got a better chance with her than you." Archie said. Immediately, Finn felt his heart pick up pace as he thought about his exchange with Chloe again. It took a second for Archie to realise what he said. "Shit. Finn, I-" he began. "Piss off." Finn said, hanging up the phone. His cheeks got hot and his eyes got moist and warm with tears. He thought he was pathetic when Chloe talked to him at the pub. After that exchange with Archie, he really felt pathetic. The phone rang a few times right after he hung up. He knew it was Archie calling to apologize, and he knew he should answer and hear him out, but he didn't. Instead, Finn's dad yelled at him for letting the phone ring, and he cried hot tears of anger as the scars on his skin mocked him.
The next day, instead of going to the pub, Finn laid around listening to music again. He was home alone. He figured his dad was out drinking, too. Home alone, the kitchen called to him. He could indulge alone, help himself to anything and really gorge himself... But he wasn't like that anymore. He was better now. So he laid on his bed, pretending he was weighed down on the mattress, unable to walk to the fridge and binge. After he listened to all the albums he wanted to, he decided to see if anything was on TV. He sat on the couch flipping through the channels and found nothing, so he decided to go for a walk. He didn't want to be in the house miserable all day. Maybe he could start to exercise and lose some weight. He planned to walk for longer, but the store caught his eye once again. He wasn't going to binge this time, though. He knew just what he was going to do.
He entered the little shop and pretended to browse the contents of each aisle. People don't like to look at the fat kid for too long, so no eyes were on him as he crept and slid a 50 pack of razors in his pocket. He wasn't going to try to kill himself. He didn't want a repeat of that whole incident. He wasn't even sure if he was going to hurt himself with the razors. It would just be a comfort to know that they're there, hidden in his room. He would put them under his bed, or in the slit cut in his mattress. Hell, he could even leave them out in the open. His dad didn't give a shit, obviously. As he left the store unnoticed, Finn felt a dangerous sense of accomplishment.
