Accidentally on purpose

Chapter 6

You seem to replace

Your brain with your heart

You take things so hard

And then you fall apart

Natasha knew that what they were doing was wrong. She knew that very well. Having an affair is never okay. She had never meant for any of this to go this far. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen at all. It was a new experience for her. Love. It was something she had spent her life avoiding and managing to live without and now, when she let it get a hold of her, she simply couldn't escape it any longer. She was desperate and terrified. Desperate to feel loved again and terrified not to. During her life, she had convinced herself that she didn't need anyone else to make her happy. Not a boyfriend, friend or a family. She had tried convincing herself that she could be happy, alone. That it was all up to her. Though she now realised, she had been wrong. The first time Natasha had felt truly happy was when Steve was by her side and she hated him for it. For giving her a reason to hold on to him even harder. He was the source of her happiness. The only thing that could take away her loneliness and ease her pain.

After that night she bumped into Steve in the park, she had been thinking deeply about their situation all night long. She had fought so hard for so many years to become a better person. To finally, bring something good into this world. Sleeping with someone's boyfriend wasn't a good beginning. She was done hurting people. The only one she could allow herself to hurt was herself, mainly because she felt like she deserved it. Therefore, she had come to the conclusion that night to talk to Steve. To tell him that he'd have to choose. Her or Sharon.

The next day, Natasha hurried to work with a mission to tell Steve she needed to talk to him. To make him choose. They couldn't do this anymore. He needed to break up with Sharon. Natasha was just about to step out of her car as her eye landed on a pretty blonde. Steve opened the car door for Sharon and embraced her a little as Sharon gave him a kiss that Steve happily returned. Sharon said something, probably a joke since Steve laughed a little, before smiling as he glanced at Sharon. He looked happy.

It was at that moment that Natasha realised, she couldn't make Steve choose. Simply because he wouldn't choose her. He would choose Sharon. His girlfriend who he had been with for many years now. She couldn't even believe she hadn't even thought about that. It hadn't even crossed her mind. Natasha loved him. She had finally admitted that to herself. She loved him like she hadn't loved anyone else and like she never would love anyone else. But just because she loved him doesn't mean he feels the same way. He won't choose her. Was he not who she had thought he was? Was he, her best friend, playing her all this time? She almost laughed at how stupid she was. Everyone who had ever claimed to love her in some way had proved her wrong. Everyone had played her. Hurt her. Was Steve any different?

Yes. She deeply believed he was. Natasha felt torn into a million pieces. Extremely confused about what her next move should be. If she make Steve choose, there's a big chance he won't choose her. And if she don't make him choose, she continues this ugly act that they're doing. Somewhere deep down, Natasha was filled with hope that maybe, Steve loved her too. It felt like it. All those kisses, his gentle touch and his sweet words. It felt too real to not be love. Then again, maybe she was the only one feeling it? Maybe it meant nothing to him. She didn't dare to ask. She couldn't make him choose. She was being selfish. Putting her own happiness in front of Sharon's. Maybe even in front of Steve's. But she wasn't ready. Not yet. She didn't want to feel that loneliness again. Not when she had tasted how it felt to be loved.

A few nights later, Steve and Natasha were having a movie marathon at Natasha's place. Sharon was working late again so Steve had knocked on Natasha's door and brought some movies and Chinese food. Natasha had cursed over and over in her head as she saw Steve outside her door, giving her that boyish smile of his. She simply couldn't help but smile as she looked at him. "If you're not too busy, I brought some movies.." Steve began, stopping to smile. "You look beautiful." He said and Natasha sighed as she looked at him. "Don't be so cheesy." Natasha answered and Steve chuckled. "I was just being honest." He said and Natasha bit her lower lip a bit. "So, will you let me in?" He asked softly. Natasha stood quiet for a few seconds, as if she was thinking it over even though she had made the decision to let him come in as soon as she saw his face. She opened the door a little more and Steve smiled, giving her a quick kiss on her forehead as he walked past her into the apartment. Natasha's stomach started to tickle and she wanted to hit herself for finally being able to relate to the "butterflies in your stomach" thing.

Steve and Natasha ended up having a perfect night. Everything somehow seemed to be perfect when they were together. Steve and Natasha was halfway through their second movie when Steve dragged Natasha closer. Natasha curiously remembered every move he made as if she could detect what he meant by it. He wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulders, bringing her body closer to his. Natasha looked up at his face and Steve looked back at her. It was strange, not knowing where the other one stood in the relationship. To not being able to trust the others feelings. All either of them could trust was what was happening right there and then. Steve slowly leaned down, giving Natasha a soft kiss that she drowned into. She kissed him back before burying her face in Steve's chest, breathing in his scent as he dragged her even closer.

Steve woke up a while later, realising both of them had fallen asleep. He was lying next to Natasha on her couch with his arms around her. Natasha still had her face buried in his chest and Steve smiled as she mumbled small words in both Russian and English in her sleep. She mumbled them too quietly for him to hear what she was saying but he couldn't help but adore her cuteness. Steve glanced at the clock on the wall, realising Sharon got off work in about 30 minutes so he needed to get going. He slowly let go of Natasha and tried to get off the couch as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake her. As he did, a frown appeared on Natasha's face and Steve put a blanket over her body as a way to make up from the warmth from his chest. The frown disappeared a little and Natasha's hand grabbed the blanket. Steve smiled as he watched her. "I have to go. I'm sorry." He whispered before he gently stroke her cheek and placed a kiss on her forehead.

Steve grabbed his jacket and left her apartment. As soon as the front door shut close, Natasha opened her eyes, staring at the door. She sighed deeply as an extreme sadness washed over her. She couldn't do this. Watching him leave over and over. She'd rather take the chance. The chance of him never leaving her again or the chance of him leaving her forever. She had to stop following her heart for a while. She needed to listen to her mind. It is time for Steve to choose. Even if that means him leaving her for Sharon. At least then, she'd know. She'd rather hear the painful truth than to keep living in this lie. Natasha wiped away a tear that rolled down her cheek and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too." She whispered.