CHAPTER 5
Two days after the incident Emily moved out. It seemed she spoke with the dorm head who got her a spot with aother transfer student. Although the reason as to why she left was questioned, no one really knew what happened that night. I was somewhat relieved no one knew, but now I felt alone. Things with Emily were comfortable and she was a good listener- well besides when Grey was invovled but she made me happy and occupied my mind while the nights passed, I hardly thought about Ava. I had some good friends, I thought to myself- past tense.
"Yeah so that's how it happened, " I told Kyle as he gulped down water to quench his thirst. "And you aint tell that heffa nuttin, is she good fuh nuttin man dat try to rape you.. stupse" he spatted in creole-thanks to me he picked up the dialect, I was even more comfortable with him now that I spoke bajan sometimes. "Just like Ava you're always taking all the blame, don't you feel sorry for yourself sometimes," he lectured. I held my head down meekly, remebering Ava and the brief moment we shared together caused a small puddle of water to settle in my eyes. Dismissing it quickly I held my head up and rejoined the group." I hope you hearing me cuz I don't wanna have to hear bout no more depressing incident," Kyle said while patting me on my shoulder.
For the first time in a while I paid attention to the details of coach's face. He seemed younger than I expected, probably in his late twenties and was a handsome Korean man. Recently it seemed as thought I was singled out more at practice and asked to do most demonstrations even though I was the youngest. This attention usually made me uncomfortable and shy. One evening I thought I felt his gaze on me longer than expected. It was as if he was checking me out, but I quickly put it out my mind and deemed it paranoia.
"Amber you've been doing quite well," Mr. Kim said as he approached me after practice. Everyone had left and I was about to go throught the gate. "Are you fitting in okay? I hope I'm not working you too hard, since you're so young," he said with a creepy smile on his face and his hand uncomfortably placed around my neck. While moving his hand politely I said," it's not that bad I'm doin okay and you and Mr. Choi have been alot of help." Bowing politely I said, "Please continue to take care of me." A warm smile brightened his face as I rose. "I'm gonna go now so bye,"I said, while making a quick escape.
The room was quiet. I was alone. Everything I tried to escape back in Barbados followed me. The dimly lit room and silence allowed my mind to conjure up all the things I tried so hard to forget, and my eyes watered. A huge wave of depression silently crept up on me and hit me hard. Knocking the balance of my thoughts off and tipping the scale of sanity and complete depression. The weight leaned more towards depression and I lay in bed wollowing in self pity. "Why didn't I deny Ava's acusations? She isn't all that great, why didn't I bring her down with me? That bitch! She didn't want everyone to know that she sucks cunt and likes breasts. What's the big deal? It's not like I was gonna leave her. I can't believe I let her subject me to that shame." I hated the thought of her. The thought of her existence and beauty roaming the earth pained me. Sobbing uncontrolably, my thoughts went to my father and his affair. "That nasty bastard! What did my mother see in him?" All the images from that evening whirled in my head as the empty, hollow feeling began to surface.
"What are you doing," I asked myself, while wiping the tears from my eyes harshly. Since Ava betrayed me I never allowed myself to hurt, to cry-hard. That all changed a minute ago when everything flowed back. Being alone made me think- I hated being alone...the rising thought was severed when my phone rang. "Yess Kyle, I said in a droaned tone. "Jus checking in, making sure you haven't commited suicide," he said sarcasticly. "I'm not dead, nor do I plan to kill myself so you can stop worrying," I said angrily, then hanging up the phone I relaxed and let my body drop with a soft thud on the small bed. My lids closed slowly, sealing the angry thoughts behind them- I fell asleep.
