Please Be Home

Heart//Phil

•first person•

I am oblivious for someone of my age. Is it because of my heart that beats like it did in my youth? My personality is of a teenager, but I am on the edge of thirty, and I'm drowning in that fact.

I should be loving someone.

Instead, I make videos of myself, and dance around with my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I am so proud of everything I do, and have done. And I am in love with the people I've brought together though it...but I'm greying.

Dan--my everything, makes me even more childish, if that's possible. He's the three AM giggles, and video game competitions, and pillow battles, and morning anime cereal debates. Yeah, he always wins. But in a way we both do. Because it's so much fun to be...us.

But I should be loving someone. Settling down.

And we're eating cereal right now. He's talking, and I'm laughing because he's being exaggerative. Really, I don't know what he's on about, but just something about his face and tone is making me laugh.

And seeing me laugh, makes him laugh. And we're giggling messes choking on our Crunchy Nut breakfast looking like lunatics.

If I could be like this forever, I would.

However,

there is no forever, and soon I'm going to die. I don't want to do it alone. I really don't.

Everyone thinks that Dan is the only one who can be sad. He's the only one who can cry, and go into a crisis about life and existence, but these days I'm losing sleep wondering if I'm really going to be happy like this in a few years.

Should I be loving someone?

And I look to Dan, and he looks to me, and I swear his eyes are starting to linger on me more when I'm looking away, but it doesn't matter.

That's dangerous.

About the next day, I decide. It's three o' clock, and I have a change of heart.

I need to find someone.

•••

~Loving someone~
•The 1975