JUST PRETEND ↠ ALEX SUMMERS ✔️ [EDITING]

Chapter 12

No one spoke a word to Devin after she returned, they seemed to avoid her at all costs if anything. No one could even bare to look at her face. It was as if her own pain reached them and caused them pain as well. Devin couldn't blame them, she didn't deserve anything good or anyone in her life if she couldn't even save one person. It was better and safer that way for everyone if she pushed them away. It would hurt her less if she knew that they no longer cared if she was to leave and not come back.

Charles and Hank gave her the space that she needed. Hank brought her up food and water each meal. But he never brought coffee, he knew she wouldn't want to stay awake and be trapped listening to her own thoughts. But rather be trapped in her own dreams. Her own nightmares. Ones she might be able to forget one day. She would do less damage if she wasn't awake, because then she could wake up and realise that it wasn't the real thing, she would realise that it was now over.

Devin couldn't remember the last night she slept without being forced awake by a re-occurring nightmare, with a layer of sweat covering her skin. She couldn't remember the last night where she didn't wake up to tears streaming down her face or a scream gurgling up from her throat. As her heart finally began to beat at a regular pace, instead of the suddenly more normal fast speed it seemed to beat at recently.

Each night Devin dreamed about his eyes growing dull, his voice weak and pained as he choked on his own blood, drowning in his lungs. Watching each and every bullet slowly pierce his skin, the echoing sound of the shot of the gun, his body falling to the ground with a heavy thud, his blood soaking into the ground.

Each night it got more detailed and more vivid, each night Devin knew her screams woke everyone up. Each night she woke up she would stare at her door hoping that someone would burst through and just simply hold her, telling her it was going to get better, because she knew the more times she heard it, the more she was likely to believe it herself.

But more importantly, Devin just wanted Alex.

But he was avoiding Devin like everyone else. Nothing could compare to the pain she felt when she saw him getting closer with Raven. He seemed to enjoy her company more than anyone else's. Devin couldn't blame him, he got along with her from the start. Devin knew he hated her when they first met, he's said it before himself, countless times, and he got along with her instead.

Some nights Devin would find herself waking up from a sleepwalk, down to the room that the boy was in. His lifeless body covered with a white sheet. Hank was told by Charles to leave him there for a little while just so she could see him. Erik would be the one to steer her back to her room before leaving her in the darkness once more.

-

"...That doesn't solve the issue, Charles," Devin could hear Erik complain as she stood outside the room once more, this time fully awake.

"I know it doesn't, but we can't keep him here forever, he needs to bury him at some point," Charles told him.

"You can't bury him yet." She pushed open the door and walked in, standing at the end of the bed where the boy laid still.

"We're going to have to at some point, it would be wrong to keep him here like this."

"I know, and I'm sorry." Devin looked at him with bloodshot eyes. "It's my fault he's like this, I understand that. But you need to understand that I'm just not ready to say goodbye, I just need more time, I haven't forgiven myself for letting him die."

Erik placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "None of us blame you for his death, you need to know that, you were too busy trying to get him to listen that you didn't hear anyone following you. It was a solo mission, your first solo mission without any help, you did your best."

"But I didn't, did I?" Devin shook her head looking towards the boy. "Look at him, Erik. Really look at him and tell me that I did my best. You and I both you that I didn't. I failed, it was pathetic. This just proves my point," she told him before turning to Charles. "I can't save anyone, I'm not like the others, I'm not useful." She shook off Erik's hand and walked out of the room.

Devin knew that she probably shouldn't have been that blunt about it, but in that moment, she was angrier with herself. Just seeing his body angered he. She could have done better, but she didn't.

-

Devin walked up the stairs towards the hallway with her room, hearing laughter. She turned the corner and saw Alex and Raven chatting to each other outside of Alex's door. Alex was reaching for the door handle letting Raven in before he went to follow. But he froze when he saw Devin's face. She had to look away and quickly walk into her room or else she knew she would have broken down crying. He watched, helplessly, as the doors closed behind her.

But Devin wasn't sure what the cause of the crying would have been about.

Maybe it was the pain of not saving the boy. Maybe. Or maybe it was seeing the look on Alex's face when he looked at Raven.

She heard his door close. Devin pressed her back against her own door and slid down, trying to hold back the tears. She was losing her mind, and she had no right to be jealous. Alex didn't love her like that, he was only pretending before, he didn't mean it like she thought he did. Besides he deserved to be happy with someone who wasn't in the state she was in.

Devin couldn't even bring herself to explain what had happened on her solo mission. She knew he wouldn't look at her the same way. Well, it wasn't like he was looking at Devin anyway, so she didn't bother. Devin thought that maybe the whole pretending thing was over, so maybe now that was one less thing to worry about.

She pulled at her hair before looking around her room. There were trays of uneaten food scattered across the floor, dirty unwashed clothes in piles. She knew she needed a shower. Maybe it would help ease her mind. Maybe she should eat something, get a drink of water. Do something to help her own body heal before she even tried healing her mind.

Healing her body would be quicker than healing her mind. Devin knew that.

So, that's what she did.