Missing Streams

Mental Scars - 20

"Hey Scars, what are you doing tonight?" Jessica asked, her lackeys giggling as she spoke.

"I was planning on fucking your boyfriend, but I guess the secret's out." I shrugged, but didn't let myself feel too cocky. It was hard.

"Then you must be free. Maybe you can come to my party tonight?" Jessica grinned, "I heard you made a bit of a mess last time."

I scowled, but composed myself instead of spitting at her like I wanted to. I couldn't let these people win.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" She giggled, "Oh right, I forgot how much pussy you play with."

Now I lunged at her, pushing her to the ground. I raised a fist to bash her fucking face in, but stopped myself. This wasn't right.

Fuck that. I grabbed a handful of hair and tore it from her scalp, listening to her scream as I held her down. The rest of her clique didn't do anything but watch as I sat on her stomach and started to pull her necklace, wondering if I'd hear the chain snap from her neck.

Before I could, someone grabbed my shoulders and shouted at me to let go of her. As much as I wanted to strangle her, I decided to listen and let go of her necklace. It wasn't as if I was blocking her windpipe or anything. But I still got dragged to the principal's office, for a reason I understood completely.

***

"I bet you were quite the party animal." James snickered, giving me a sideways look, "You'd probably make a mad DJ, too."

I laughed, "Believe it or not, I wasn't much for parties. Not my scene. I prefered to toke up with my friends or get drunk at home. What about you?"

"I never liked those parties where people got high and drunk. I liked genuine parties, like going to a water park or glow bowling. Guess I'm a square."

"Nah, that shit's cool too." I smiled, closing my eyes, "I sound like a DARE spokesperson, but you don't need drugs to have fun. Drugs are just a different kind of fun."

"I guess so." James chuckled.

***

"Scar, do we really have to do that tonight?" Sam sighed, looking at me with a tired look in her eyes.

"I guess not." I sighed, putting down the bottle I was holding, "What should we do, then? What should we do when I'm cold and numb and can't feel anything."

"We do something that might help."

"What in the fucking world could help me right now? What could make a difference if it doesn't fuck up my brain enough to forget that I'm already fucked up as it is?"

"I don't know, but... we could try, at least. Try to make you happy."

I blew a hair out of my face, "Good fuckin' luck."

***

"Tell me." Simon said slowly, carefully, "What the antidepressants are like."

"It's hard to describe." I sighed, closing my eyes to focus, "They don't make me happy, I have to do that. And they don't stop me from being sad either, not these ones. Some meds make people numb, but these don't do that."

"What does it do, then?" Simon sounded genuinely interested.

"It takes the fucked up parts of my brain and makes them right again."

"Is it really that easy?"

"Yeah, on a scientific level." I laughed, trying to explain in a way similar to how he understood the world, "It's an SSRI, which probably doesn't mean anything to you."

Simon chuckled, "Care to explain?"

"Long story short, my brain doesn't make serotonin as much as it should." I paused, thinking over my words, "Serotonin helps my brain signals move around. But my brain doesn't make enough, so my meds make up for it. My meds help my brain make more serotonin, which makes it easier for my brain to function. My body in general, I guess. I don't know how else to explain it."

"It makes sense, I guess."

I smiled, "I'm glad it does."

***

"Where are your parents, sweetie?" The cashier asked me, her blonde hair falling in front of her face.

"They're at home." I managed to say, barely above a whisper.

"Why couldn't they come with you to the store?" She looked concerned.

"They don't feel well." I remembered they were both passed out, allowing me to steal money to buy groceries, "Plus I'm a big girl, I can do this."

"You're a big girl? How old are you?"

I looked at my feet, "Seven."

"Oh dear." She shook her head, then offered me a kind smile, "Since mommy and daddy are sick, make sure you get this food home, okay?"

"Yes, of course." I raised my hand to give her the money, but she refused it.

"Don't worry about it, okay? Just get on home."

I nodded, worried and relieved at the same time, "Okay."

***

"My parents are heavily religious." Simon sighed, obviously upset, "God, you wouldn't even know."

"I wouldn't." I nodded.

"They nearly killed me when they found out I was smoking pot, I have no idea what would've happened if they found out I was gay. My older brother has been actually disowned by them for what he did."

I raised an eyebrow, "What did he do?"

"Well, uh, he used to be my sister." Simon laughed nervously, "He's still my brother, but he's not my parents' son anymore. Or even their daughter, as far as they're concerned."

"I'm glad he did that." I threw my arm over Simon's shoulder, smiling, "It's a big thing to do, believe me."

Simon smiled, "Yeah, it was pretty strong of him. I promised him that as soon as I'm out of here, I'll move in with him and live my life the way I want to."

I chuckled, "Good. Promise me you'll date a cute guy."

"Don't worry, I will."