I meet him specifically when his eyes meet mine. It was in the middle of my highschool days when it happened. He was one of the guys that girls would not find difficult to like. Good looking and charismatic.
I was 22 when I met him again and he's around 21. At first, I didn't care that he existed. But the enevitable happened. suddenly, we grew closer. I received a message from him. And the next thing I know is we felt comfortable talking to each other. I spent the rest of the day chatting him. That day turns into days. days into months. We talked every night about almost everything, the past, the present and the future. We share sectres, ask for advice, text, call, and even tease each other. He made me happy and contented. He managed to make me smile even at my lowest and laugh even at my saddest. He also vocal about his feelings for me. He told me he like me. He kept on saying lame pick up lines to me. He being so importunate to chat me and then to act he's sad whenever I dont reply, and to always keep our conversation going like he loved talking to me.
One day, I started feeling different. He sunddenly became the first person I always wanted. I always liked getting his attention. I started caring him. I started having dreams with us. I started rationalizing things. And that day I realize I like him... No... that day I started falling in love with him.. There's just something in him. something that would push to love him.
I knew we starting to build something between us. Time flies so fast. I became his girl. After a month of courting me. I said Yes. I was so happy that my heart is like would jump out my chest. I am really inlove with him. I know our story happened in the blink of an eye, but that doesn't mean our love was untrue. Loving him made me realize, that in love, you don't count the number of days you fall in love with a person. Love happens when your heart started to speak and feel the inexplicable emotions you once thought you'll never experience. Love is always unexpected. It comes from different forms, various situations and swarmed people.
But love comes with pain. In the end you regret loving him. In the end you just get hurt.
Things become rough. I dont know why. He suddenly became distant. Like he placed a wall between us. I tried to break that wall. I tried to act normal. I tried to be normal. I am sending him a messages. I was updating him about my day, and asking about him too. But sometimes I didn't get a reply. I wanted to talk to him but how could you talk to someone who no longer wanted to talk to you.
He just fade away one day. He never texted me again. He just disappeared completely. Like how he entered my life and then sunddenly gone and never went back. I gladly, let him walk into my life and I never expected him to walk out so fast.
I know he didn't just forget about me. Or did he? When I finally fed up. I confronted him. I ended chatting him because he was not replying to my text.
me:
"Is it over?"
I wasn't ready for his reply. But I waited. I braced myself for worst. I even braced myself for many possibilities. I checked every minutes. I waited every single day. Until 3 days, I finally to get see something.
A seen. nothing more.
That was the end of it. He made easy for us. To just leave with no explanation. It ended that way.
Everything is so painful. Everything is blurred. I hugged my kness to my chest as I thought of what just happend the last time I was with him. My mistake for that night. I believe him. A night full of regrets for deciding. I let him touch me. I could've stopped him that night but I didn't. The moment he touched me. The reaction of my mind and body to his touch was beyond of my control. We did it thrice. I let him spill his seed inside of me. We just been a couple for 5 days then I easily let him have me. I love him, alright! I love him that's why its was so damn easy to give him all of me. And guess what? He left me without a word after freaking 3 days. Maybe, he just wanted to get in my pants. What happen that night didn't mean a shit to him. Damn him! Everything was just planned out to hurt me. It was probably his mission all along to gain my trust and let him in so could get what he wanted. I don't regret what we had, but I do regret what we became. I hate him for toying with my emotion, I hate him for making me feel not good enough for him. And I hated him because I am fucking inlove with him. I never thought its ever posibble. I let him in then he stole everything and left me with nothing. I made the mistake of falling him. I made the mistake of trusting someone, who I thought would never want to break me. Turns out, I guess I didn't know him well enough.
The initial few weeks after we ended, everything replayed in my mind in such a detail. I spent weeks crying. I've tried hard to remove those memories from my brain but I can't. One thing I won't forget about him was how special he made me feel. Those late night phone calls just talking about how our days had been, laughing about silly things, sharing chessy conversation, and even falling asleep with our phones still lingering on top of our ears. As much I want to forget him. He's always there. Every time I look at my gallery, everytime I read books and poetry, every time I sleep. He all there. Those night I cried my heart out and prayed to heavens hoping that he will come back to his senses and come back to my life. There isn't a day that passes I dont think about him, not a day that I dont wish I was seeing his name light up on my screen again. Nothing hurts as bad as waiting for someone you know is not coming back.
I struggle with understanding why I was given that glimpse of happiness, only to have it taken away from me so quickly. I remember the time I was in full crowded people but still feeling alone, strangers stared at me because I was crying.
When I heard he already have a girlfriend. I stalk his instagram. I found myself staring his picture with his new girl huddled together and smiling like there's no tomorrow. Tears kept on flowing. I let it myself cry because I promised that was my last. After that I block him. I think it's best to delete him, of all site's. I want to forget. I wanted to fully heal soon. I am also thinking that the online PDA of his current relationship is the exact closure that I need to finally get over this and get over him.
I know it won't be easy. It will be painful. It won't be fast. The road to recovery will be long, painful. But time heals. I believe that it does. Time lets you forget.
Little by little, I have hope that the pain will lessen. The strings that keep on snapping everytime my heart aches will learn to hold themselves together. Piece by piece, I'll try to find the missing piece of my heart again. Time will come when I can say I've already moved on. These feelings that I have for him will fade. I won't need to cover up the tear stains left on the sleeves of my shirt. There won't be any need to fake my smiles or my laughters.
I haven't seen him in a months since that happened. which was good. It became my breather. It took me a month to realize he wasn't coming back, almost a year to finally move on. I finally convinced myself that he's not worth it. He's not worth the pain and suffering I'm experiencing. The moment I admitted that it really was over was the exact moment when I took my first step of moving on.
In fact. I'm taking him for leaving me. For letting me love myself and be my own strength. For making me realize I don't need no man to be happy. For letting me feel spiritually much closer to God cause being alone and heartbroken has taught me to rely on none other than the almighty.
Maybe heartbreak was destiny way of saving you from future misery. Instead, be thankful that you found out soon rather than when its too late. Think of this as a chance to start over again, a chance to fix your broken heart. Our hearts may have gotten broken, but this scar will heal, one step at a time.
