Step Brothers | Joshler (UNDER EDITING)

Chapter 17

A/N *TRIGGER WARNING*

Josh layed down in Tyler's bed as he read through the note book Tyler wrote his songs in. None of them were finished. There were just small parts of something great. Half the book was filled with words and thoughts, while the rest were blank. Tyler told Josh not to touch his note book, but Josh felt like he needed Tyler by his side at the moment, and that book was as close as he could get.

"~I'm holding on to what I know. And what I know I must let go~", Josh read from the book.

Even though it was only words on a paper, he felt like he could hear Tyler sing. He missed his voice, how it used to fill up Josh's ears with wonderful words. He missed his smile, how it gave Josh a feeling of happiness. He missed Tyler's eyes, and how he could just stare at them forever. He missed his bad puns and jokes, and how they always made him laugh. He missed the way he talked, and how he thought about every word carefully and made Josh understand. In the end Josh just missed him. Missed Tyler. It shouldn't have ended like it did. Josh holding his lover in his arms as he slowly drifted away and got taken by death? That's not the kind of ending Josh wanted. He wanted a happy one where him, Tyler and Brendon were making music in the tree house together. Having fun. Smiling. Being happy.

"No one is dealing with your demons. Meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning, friend"

Josh's eyes got filled with water as tears rolled down his cheeks. His eyes was sore after crying so much, but he didn't care about the pain in his eyes. There was too much of it in his heart.

Tyler's funeral was going to be next week. Josh didn't want to be there. Everyone would be crying because they loved Tyler and didn't want him to die. But Josh was the one who loved Tyler the most, and because of his death Josh wanted to die. He didn't feel like life had meaning anymore. Everything was just darkness and sadness to him. His mother said things would get better, even though he might not get over Tyler's death. She said that one day he would be happy. But Josh didn't believe her. She didn't love Tyler the way he did. And he believed that he would never fall in love again because he lost his soul mate. And it's all Chris' fault.

Chris.

Oh, how bad Josh wanted to kill him. He wanted to show up at court and cut his throat. He didn't care who saw. He didn't care what would happen after. For all he cared the judge could send him to jail for a billion years, it wouldn't matter. The only reason he hasn't done it, is because he knows that killing Chris won't bring Tyler back, and it's a lot better that he suffers in jail for what he did.

Josh had reached the end of Tyler's hand writing and then started from the begining again. He's been reading through it over and over for hours just to get the feeling that Tyler was with him. Every word in the book that seemed strange before were clear to him now. He understood what Tyler said. He understood every word. It was like what Tyler had written spoke the words he couldn't say.

Then he remembered:

You just have to understand, there is nothing to explain"

"Well, how am I supposed to understand?", Josh asked and looked over at Tyler.

Tyler faced Josh and they made eye contact. He licked his lips while thinking of what to say. He looked away from his friend and down at his hands as he played with his thumbs.

"One day you'll... you'll just understand. You may wake up one morning with many feelings inside you, or maybe none at all, and you'll understand. You'll get what I sing about", Tyler said, "Until that day, you just have to wait"

And that day had come. He felt everything at once, yet nothing at all. The pain he was feeling Tyler had been feeling all his life. But Tyler is strong, Josh isn't. Josh couldn't handle this pain for a day, and yet alone a whole life. How would he survive?