Sunday Waitressing

Using formal and highly formal constructions

No, that's just splendid, go ahead, old boy, and stand right in the middle of the entranceway, despite the fact that there is absolutely no way for me to navigate around you. Most unsporting, I must say. Right-oh, I'll wallop you with my tray. Marvellous. I'll go the long way around, shall I?

"Hello, everyone! My name i-"

"I want a pint of Ghostship, she'll have a diet coke."

Crikey, am I right in understanding that you felt it acceptable to interrupt me while I was acquainting myself with you? I don't know you, old chap, but that type of attitude is just going to make me a tad peeved at you until you leave. On the other hand, maybe I misjudged you, dear sir, although would you be so obliging to be more mindful of how busy we are right now? Jolly good. Please don't misunderstand me; I rather enjoy spending time with the patriots of this establishment. However, we are clearly hectic at the moment, and I'm sure you can appreciate how I have to be in all places at once. Please, old chap, I implore you to cease wasting my time, I feel unaffiliated towards your highway excursion with your fiancé.

...

Golly gosh, please allow me permission to vacate from your table, I vow that I will return once you decide what you want in due course. Be a dear and listen to the bell. The sound signifies that the chef is in need of me to deliver the food to another table, old boy; nevertheless, I cannot leave your table until I acquire the other half of your dithering folks order.

Spiffing, I'm here. Dash it, these serving dishes are scorching! Swiftly, swiftly, it was table sixteen wasn't it, old sport?

"A bacon and cheese burger and a roast lamb, well done?"

Oh, this is ghastly, are you jesting with me? I'm holding terribly broiling platters and this table of fifteen are acting like buffoons. None of them has any idea what they have previously ordered less than a half hour ago. Inhale and exhale, Charlie. Repeat yourself, old gal.

"Who's ordered the bacon and cheese burger and who's ordered the roast lamb?"

Smile. Disregard the sensation of your flesh burning away.

At last. It's almost time to close up the public house for the night. All there is left is one more table to reimbursement their meal and then I can return home.

...

The eatery has closed, I implore you to skedaddle. I should have returned home a little under an hour and half ago, but this last table is absolutely refusing to vacate. They got here at three o'clock, and they had paid their bill by six, yet they are still here.

Therefore, I am currently sitting behind the bar with my manager, the bartender. We've grasped the fine art of the passive aggressive stare. If the eating place claims to close at six o'clock, you are done eating, then please leave! Don't be a bad sport. For what they are doing right now is just rude. They are aware that we are waiting to close up for the evening.

By Jove, they're gone. Finally.