Please god, be real. If you aren’t real then I don’t know what to believe in. If you are not real then I am truly alone in this world and I have to accept the fact that nobody loves me, nobody ever will. I try so hard to feel your presence, but I feel nothing. I try to pray every night, but I feel to no avail. I stick up for you and try to stand up for what I believe in, but how can I stand up for something or someone I have never seen or spoken to? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe? Stupid are those who believe in something they have never seen, or felt, or heard. How can I blindly follow someone who may be just a figment of my imagination? I could believe in unicorns all I want, but will that make them real? Heaven can seem a beautiful lie sometimes. But it is a lie I so desperately want to believe. I hope there is at least some truth to it otherwise what are we living for? If we have no ultimate goal, no prize or consequence, than why do we even bother? Why not shoot ourselves right now and get it over with? What use is living in this terrible world if there is no recompense. Why should I live a life I hate in a world and body that I hate if all I have to look forward to is falling into the void and disappearing forever? Is it then wrong to delude myself into thinking some sort of god exists? That there is life after death and that everything I suffer through was worth it? Maybe I would rather live in the beautiful lie rather than the ugly truth. Maybe I would rather be safe then sorry, believing until there is proof that there is indeed nothing. Are all christians delusional then? How can so many people believe in one idea and it be wrong? Religion was created by man, who is to say that god was not also created by man? The ideals of the thought that we have a purpose in life, a plan, was that thought up by genius philosophers back in the day? To give people hope and strength to carry on in life, even at their seemingly bleakest moments. A way to help people through the grieving process when they lost a loved one by telling them they would see that person again and that they were now happy in heaven. And so why do athiest’s tell their children that their pets and grandparents “went to heaven” if they do not believe? Does that not make them hypocrites? Or at the very leasts liars? And for those who don’t tell their kids that, what do they say? ”Oh, they popped into oblivion and you will never see or hear from them again, sorry kiddo”. Something must be out there, I mean how can there be so much life everywhere? Science may have it hypothesis but there must be a spirituality behind it too. There are still so many mysterious involving humans. All I want are answers. Why can’t god just show his face or even send an angel to go talk to a reporter at a news station? Give us real hope rather than bibles full of stories way before our time and halfway irrelevant to how we live today. Bibles that contradicts themselves at every page. How can god have such a high expectation of us if he won’t let us see. If my father abandoned me as a baby and I never knew who he was would I have reason to believe in him? Except for the stories my mother tells me, but all she says could be lies. Until he makes and effort in my life, shows me his face and his care, I would never know how he actually felt about me. Sure my mother tells me he loves me and that he is looking out for me, but what proof do I have of that? If he loved me so much why did he leave? Just as it is with god. How can he throw me onto this earth and then forget about me? Bring me into existance just to live in hell? What sense does that make? I am torn in two directions. Believing in something I realize may just be a complete fake made up story or not believing in anything and knowing for the rest of my life that life truly is pointless. At least believing in god gives me a little bit of optimism, a little bit of reason to keep on going in life. A reason to live on and not die. So if god isn’t real, if heaven isn’t real, I don’t care. I would rather be delusional and happy than realistic and depressed. I will always tug of war between my idealistic and realistic thoughts though, and my depression will always threaten my happiness. But I will keep on blindly believing things will get better, I will keep putting faith and trust into someone I can not see, that I can not hear, that I can not feel. For if I do not have faith, what do I have?
