Sometimes I feel okay. Other times I feel completely overwhelmed like I am headed no where and life has no meaning, has no worth. There are times I feel at peace with the world, I spin around and around while the wind blows in my face. Listening to classical music and pretending like I can actually dance like a ballerina. Singing along to slow songs, acting like I am as good as the singers themselves. Other times I am struck irritable and moody, anger at myself and at the world for not feeling happiness. But where can happiness be found? Contentment is even hard to find. Sometimes music gives me a headache and I don’t feel anything. Nobody really understands it and that makes me push them away. They get on to me about stuff I have no conscious control of. I am just going through the motions. Sometimes I space out and don’t hear what was said. Sometimes I am so tired I sleep all day and all night. I have no real sense of direction, I cringe away from the sunlight and prefer to be alone in the safe darkness of my room. I pull the blinds shut and turn on my fan. I do my school work and try to keep up with my friends on Facebook, what more is needed from me? Am I depressed or just lazy? And is there really a distinction between the two? I am conflicted at every side. I want to be seen, but not as I am. I want to be seen as I see myself in my dreams and in my mind. I want to be heard and yet I fear no one cares to hear what I have to say. I want to be left alone but I want someone to care. Everything I want is blocked by things I fear and so it keeps me from getting what I want. Why am I so afraid? I can’t even explain it to myself, how am I supposed to get others to understand? I have been depressed for a long time, perhaps all of my life. I do not think there was a time when I was completely happy. This makes me feel like I have missed out on life, like I haven’t been able to move forward. I try so hard to stay numb so I don’t have to feel pain or misery and yet I need it. I need to be miserable about something otherwise I am not really living, I am a walking zombie useless to everyone around me. But what do I do to get better? How can I “get over it”? It’s not so simple as everyone makes it seem. It is like I have been running too long and know I am constantly exhausted and thirsty. Why live if you are just living to die? What is the point of living life when it could be over at any second, when you will die and nothing you did will even matter? Is there really a point to living? Or do we just do it because we have no choice, we can’t just sit around and do nothing until we die. Depression is a b****. But it is one I have to live with always.
