G E R A R D
she wasn't just another girl on the small planet earth. that's what everyone tries to explain me, but i know that she was just another girl on the small planet earth. like, everyone of us is just another small human being on earth and will die - no matter what. i knew the truth. frank too.
"are you sure about this, gee?", frank asked me insecure, worried about me. "i am", i said strict and closed my green eyes. for four seconds, there was silence. i tried to lift my foot above the step of the cemetery gate, but i failed. it was the sixtieth day since she died and i couldn't visit her grave. i couldn't visit her, like my mother would say. but she wasn't here anymore. everyone were so stupid. "it's okay, gee. you don't have to do this, if you-" - "if i can't? is it what you want to say? that i cannot control my own body? cannot go into the dumb cemetery and visit a bunch of ground with a dead body underneath it in a casket of cheap wood, because my family is too poor to pay the last thing they could do for my sister?" i torn my red hair, pinched my green eyes together and tried to hold back the tears. "im sorry, love.", the black haired guy whispered into my ear and hugged me from behind. he pulled me into his lovely arms, where my world wasn't falling apart anymore, just for a second. "you've got time. much time." the tears came back, they were rollin' down my cheeks into franks black hoodie he was wearing. "the trouble is, i think i have time.", my lachrymose voice came out of his hoodie. "i love you, gee" suddenly, i felt something inside of me. it was like a gentle breeze inside my whole chest. not because of frank, who wasn't even my real boyfriend. my mother would kill me if she would know that i'm gay. no, i felt it again. abruptly i began to smile and pulled frank closer to me. "i love you too, frank"
midnight. the time of the day i favored over lunchtime, when my mum cooked a terrible meal while she was watching a useless and kitschy soap of young actors who played small roles in a small fiction life called daily-soap. a soap, which is meant to pull us in another thoughts, far away from reality, far away from our problems to the problems the actors have. the kitschy love between two young people was the only thing i could relate to. but privily i hoped that the love between frank and me wasn't so kitschy and obnoxious like in the soap.
"hey frank", i greeted him on the phone. "you awake?" after a short calm he answered sleepy. "now i am. what's up?" a small grin creeped into my face. "time to go to the cemetery?", i asked him a little bit excited. "are you serious?" he sounded a bit bugged. "what you wanna do? a cemetery drive? a parody of a marching band in a city?", he laughed at me. "no, i am ready.", it from my lips seriously. "for what? a funeral?" - "yeah, helena's funereal." and that was the moment when i realized that frank was the only one i wanted. he hung up the phone and was in front of my house in less than ten minutes.
"you know, i never wanted to go to a funereal.", i told frank about my fears. "since my dad died ten years ago, i never wanted to see how someone end their life. like, how their bodies end their existent on earth, you understand?" - "i do.", frank smiled a bit shy, as he drew to the cemetery. both of us were dressed in black smokings. as a symbol, i put some red eyeshadow of helena on and around my eyes. we always did that. she laughed every time and said "that's what our eyes supposed to look like, compared to how much we cry". i will never forget that. "nobody wants to go to a funeral, gee.", frank said softly as he parked his blue little car in front of the cemetery gate. "have you been on a funereal before?", i asked him curios. he took some seconds to count the funerals he was at. "like, nine."
now we were here. my body shook, as i beheld the graves in the background. it was dark, but it was easier for me than in the daytime. "can you hold my hand, frank?" my voice got shaky as well. my friend just nodded and held my hand the whole way to the grave of my sister. i couldn't believe it. i walked like an idiot. my whole body was shaking while i put one foot in front of the other foot. walking felt weird. living felt weird. to know, that i killed my own sister felt weird and now i am in front of a bunch of ground with a sigh in the back which said helena - so long and goodnight. "who mounted this sigh?" i couldn't take my eyes of it. "it was your idea, when you choked her. you said it.", frank whispered sightly next to me, help my hand very tight. i could saw our breath, it looked like smoke in the air. "i am cold" i didn't heard myself, i just felt my lips move. but frank seemed to hear me and gave me his black hoodie. as i put it on, i felt on my knees and start to cry. frank kneeled next to me, still held my hand, as he pulled me again into his safe arms. "can i ask you something?", my black haired friend asked me gently. i nodded, barley to see. "why did you do this?" i felt his hand rubbed my back, the other hand held my hand. the tears didn't come. only helena's face lightened up in my mind. she smiled at me, as she asked me if i could release her. i asked her why i should do this and my seven years old sister answered with sinked lips that life didn't mean anything to her. she wanted to join the black parade, which dad was talking about the whole time, before he died in a car accident. "she asked me to.", i sniffed and closed my virtuous eyes. suddenly, frank kissed my forehead and let his fingers drive through my tousled red hair. "if she wanted it, you did a great job. you made her happy.", frank smiled softly and kissed my blue lips. we were sitting in front of the bunch of ground as a sharp voice tore me out of the situation. "gerard?!", the voice screamed outraged. "mum?! what are you doing here!!?", it came out of me. i literally leaped up and stood in front of frank to protect him. "that's what i wanted to ask you, gerard. you weren't in your bed and i was worried.", she explained a bit calmer. "come on, i will get you a doctor. we will go to the church. they will help you, gerard." some seconds later, she discovered frank behind me after the silence. "and what is he doing here? is he your boyfriend?!" she was angry, very angry. frank stood up too and held my hand again. "yes, i am.", he explained himself. my mums eyes got bigger and bigger, till she started to smile "you aren't my son anymore, gerard.", she said with a dead voice. over unexplainable reasons, i began to smile, too. slowly i freed me of franks hand and put my cold hands around my mums throat. "mama, we all go to hell.", were my last words before i chocked her. dad will hopefully tell her what she had done wrong. "i'm proud of you, gee.", franks voice retrieved me into reality. "helena would also be very proud of you." - "she is, i know it.", i smiled lightly. frank hugged me, kissed my lips for a second and then he went to his car. he knew that i wanted a moment for myself. as he left, my eyes went down to the body of my mother. i shook my head steady and let it be. i focused myself on helena. "i know you aren't here", i said quietly "but i hope you appreciate me for what i've done for you. i love you, honey" i missed her. i missed dad. sometimes i also wanted to join the black parade. but frank was my only reason to stay. what if my reality is actually the black parade? what if we are dead and the others start a new life? for the last time, i looked down to my mums body. "go to hell.", i whispered with a smile on my face and walked along the dark way of the cemetery to the little blue car. as i sat next to my boyfriend, we kissed for a moment, as we smiled to each other. "go."
