Durarara: Please, Izaya

Chapter Ten

Walking in from an afternoon out with Tom, Shizuo found Izaya at his desk where he spent most of his time lately. He plopped himself down on the couch and watched the information broker as he worked.
"Izaya, are you doing alright?"
The question always made Izaya's skin prickle with anxiety, "Yeah, why?"
"You've just been very calm lately, and I just wanted to check in."
"Why shouldn't I be?" Izaya asked, his voice mostly hiding his agitation.
  Shizuo raised his eyebrow, "I didn't mean anything by it, it's just that you usually don't see a someone recovering from an addiction like yours so collected after cutting the habit all at once."
Izaya felt his heart race and his face burn, "Would you prefer it if I was on edge all the time just lusting after another chance to hack away at my skin?"
  He knows.
  "Izaya," Shizuo tried to soothe him, "calm down I just want to know if you're doing okay."
  "Well I'm fine, okay? Everything's fine," he insisted defensively, busying himself with his work again, turning away from Shizuo.
  "Izaya, it's alright if you're not, but you have to tell me."
  "I'm fine," he lied again and added more calmly, "Thank you," as his eyes pricked with guilty tears.

  After Shizuo left that night, Izaya headed to the bathroom as he had been doing frequently. Since earlier, he hadn't been able to stop shaking; the thought that Shizuo might know he hadn't stopped cutting ate him up.
  Retrieving his knife and folding down the waistband of his boxers, he noticed how far up his hip his most recent cuts had gotten; he was running out of room, and if they went much higher they'd be hard to cover. With shaky hands, he carefully placed the blade just above the most recent wounds so as to not cut too high. Slashing into the skin, he instantly felt himself relax and his fingers stopped trembling. He ran the blade across his skin numerous times, a feeling of peace coming over him as he watched the blood run out of the cuts, the sting of the blade distracting him from his previous worries. He quickly grabbed a towel to soak up the blood and avoid staining his clothing. Without bothering to clean the wounds, he bandaged the cuts to absorb any extra blood. He changed into some comfortable lounge pants before laying down on the couch to assess the complex playing board before him.

  Izaya woke up on the couch the next morning with a groan, pain searing his hip and shooting down his leg. Walking into the bathroom, he found the bandage from the night before soaked in blood, and pulling it off opened the wounds again. He stepped into the shower and hissed as the water hit the cuts; the sting of the water a familiar and welcomed sensation. Izaya gently cleaned the wounds, and the water was stained pink from the freshly flowing blood. Getting out, he checked to see if the cuts had stopped bleeding and was thankful for having such dark clothing to conceal any new blood stains.
  Izaya headed out to the couch again, laying across it and picking up a book to occupy his mind with. As usual, Shizuo came through the door around noon and sat on the adjacent couch, picking up a magazine. Acknowledging the blond's arrival, Izaya put his book down, turning over onto his side to stare absentmindedly at the game in front of him.
Shizuo looked over at him, expecting him to say something, but Izaya simply sighed and closed his eyes.
  Shizuo noticed Izaya's shirt had slipped up, and a sick feeling overcame him as he saw the red lines on the exposed skin. He moved toward the information broker and asked, "Izaya, what are those?"
  Sitting up and pulling his shirt over the marks, Izaya turned away from the blond, "It's nothing."
  Shizuo pushed the information broker down so he could access his hip and lifted the hem of his shirt to expose fresh cuts, "Bullshit it's nothing."
  Izaya tried to push the blond off of him, doing so with surprising strength, but Shizuo remained in place, beginning to pull his waistband lower, "Leave it alone Shizuo, it was just a small slip up."
  "Really? Small? Small isn't exactly the word I'd use for this," Shizuo's voice began rising as he began uncovering more and more hidden wounds, "This was more than a one time slip up, Izaya. Why didn't you come talk to me?"
  "I'm fine Shizuo."
  Shizuo chuckled bitterly, "Fine? People who are 'fine' don't usually carve themselves to pieces."
"I don't understand why you're getting so upset."
   The blond growled darkly at the information broker, "Are you really so dense that you can't tell I care about you?"
  "Well just, don't, okay? Don't worry about me."
"Izaya I," Shizuo sat back, taking a deep breath to avoid snapping, "I want to help you, really, I want nothing more than to help you get better but, hell Izaya, you can't keep hiding like this. I can't find you unconscious in a pool of your own blood again. I'm not going to watch that happen. I just...I can't do that. I can't watch you like this, I can't do it. I'm sorry," Shizuo's head fell as he said this, the guilt overpowering him. He needed to stay and help his friend, he shouldn't be the one complaining.
Izaya went silent, tears coming to his eyes at what his friend just said, "I'm sorry Shizuo, I just don't think I can get better."
"You don't need to do this alone Izaya. Just let me in," he pleaded.
  "It's not that easy Shizuo," Izaya paused before adding softly, "I don't want to."
  The blond fell silent at this.
"Shizuo, you're wasting your time. I'm not going to get better. Maybe you should just go," Izaya was on the brink of tears, and he didn't want Shizuo to see that.
"I-"
"Go Shizuo!" He insisted, looking at his friend as his broken eyes filled with tears.
"Okay, I'll see you," he pushed himself up and made his way to the door, looking back hesitantly at the information broker before leaving.

A/N- Okay so this was super shitty and out of character and cringey and I tried to put too many ideas into one time frame and I'm sorry, but I don't want to drag this on forever and hoped this could help move it along. Hopefully this doesn't make your eyes bleed. If you have any suggestions please please please share because I don't know what I'm doing here.