Durarara: Please, Izaya

Chapter Thirteen

  "Listen Izaya, I think we need to talk about this."
His face burned at Shizuo's words, and he kept his gaze on the game board in front of him to avoid his dark gaze. Faltering, he let out a stuttered, "W-what?"
"You can't go on like this. I know I've said it before, but now...Izaya you can't keep cutting yourself. I should have made you stop when I first found out. I've let you continue on, hoping you'd tell me, but what if one day you aren't able to tell me because you've gone too deep. What if you damage yourself and you can't fix it, even if it's an accident? I know you don't mean for anything to happen, but it's twice now to my knowledge that you've gone so deep as to need medical attention and once that you passed out. What if you go too far and I'm not here? Please, Izaya, you have to stop."
Izaya stomach twisted with guilt; Shizuo was taking the blame for what he was doing to himself. "Shizuo I-"
"I can help you, Izaya. We can fix this, but I can't watch you hurt anymore."
  "It's not your fault," Izaya whispered as he lifted his eyes up to Shizuo's for just a moment.
  "But you're still doing this, and I can't let it go on. I couldn't live with myself if something happened knowing I did nothing to stop it. I know I can't make you do anything but please, let me help you out of this."
  Shizuo stood up from where he was on the couch. Izaya jumped with alarm, and his heart raced, this is it, he's finally given up on me. He watched the blond walk down the hallway and turn into the bathroom. Izaya heard the cabinet above his sink open and the realization hit--Shizuo was looking for his blades.
  Izaya slowly followed Shizuo into the bathroom to find him elbow deep in the cupboard. He leaned in the doorway, "You won't find them up there."
  Shizuo turned to face him from where he was rummaging, surprise evident on his face, "Huh?"
  "I keep some of them in the bottom cabinet."
  Shizuo stopped what he was doing to search the lower cabinet, finding the razors almost immediately, "Where are the rest?"
  Izaya hesitated.
  "Come on, you said you keep only some of them in here. Where are the rest?"
  The information broker started toward his bedroom, and Shizuo followed. Izaya pulled a blade from the drawer of his bedside table. He held it in his hand but couldn't bring himself to hand it over to Shizuo. He held it firmly in his trembling fingers until finally he was able to drop it on the floor and walk away allowing Shizuo to pick it up. He retrieved a few more blades from various hiding places in his room.
  "Is this all of them?"
  Izaya nodded slightly, shame burning his face. He slid his hand into his pocket feeling his knife.
  Shizuo raised an eyebrow, "Really?"
  "Well, I still have my switchblade," he mumbled before quickly adding, "but I have to keep that on me for self defense."
  Shizuo was doubtful as to whether or not he should leave Izaya with his knife or not, but knew there would be no way to get it from him. He held his hand out anyway.
  Izaya shook his head.
  "You don't need to defend yourself when you're in your apartment. Come on, at least put it somewhere else. You can grab it before you go out, but at least if it's somewhere out of sight you won't be constantly thinking about it."
  Izaya traced his fingers over the knife in his pocket before uncertainly handing it over to the blond.
  "I'll just put it on the table by your door so you can grab it on your way out, okay?"
  Izaya nodded and bit his lip, tears sprang to his eyes. He knew he was pathetic.

He was looking down at the pavement and white lined lanes below him, lit only by the streetlights 
  End it. Just end it now. Jump. You'll never escape the darkness. It's inside you. You can't get away. You'll always feel this way, Izaya, you know it. Just jump. Are you really going to live your life relying on a knife to get by? Get it over with. Just let go. Jump Izaya.
  Izaya awoke with a start. His breaths came in heavy pants and sweat beaded his forehead.
  He could still hear the voices whispering in his ear, urging him to do it; the chorus of soft hisses daring him to end it all deafened him. He couldn't help but consider their offer. The voices promised escape from his pain, isn't that what he wanted?
  He hadn't had such a vivid dream before, but seeing himself atop the bridge filled him with the urge to drag himself there and finish it. But it was too much effort. He'd rather lay on the couch and let his pitiful life force waste away than walk all the way across the city just to end it all.
  Suffering. That's what he was doing. He was suffering--he had been for a long time, as long as he could remember--but that didn't give him a right to keep thrusting his burdens onto the few people he had in his life.
  He hated to shut out the people who cared about him and whom he was beginning to care about, but he had to stop dragging them down with his problems. They'd eventually get over it anyway. He was tired of constantly letting people down, of promising Shizuo and Shinra he'd do better and then going and hacking himself to pieces again. He couldn't stand to see another concerned and fearful glance shot his way. He wouldn't look at the tears brimming in his friends' eyes as he rolled up his sleeves, held the bloodied knife, or screamed desperately for relief from his pain. It was time Izaya became accountable for his actions. He couldn't expect his friends to take care of him forever, it wouldn't be fair to them. He knew he was on his own for this. He had to solve his problems now. He had to end it.
  Izaya took a trip into his bathroom and splashed some cold water over his face. Looking up into the mirror he saw the water dripping from his skin and over his eyes, his cold and tired eyes, dead eyes. They use to hold a bright and fierce scarlet, but now they were a dark, plain maroon. He laughed cynically to himself as he realized how alike the color of his eyes was to that of dried blood. Unable to look into their hollow depths any longer, he closed his eyes.
You have to fix this Izaya. You have to fix this by yourself.

  And here he was, at three in the morning, looking down at the pavement as he had been in his dream. The only difference being that the voices in his head had subsided, quieted only by the blood leaking down his arm underneath his coat. He had come here with only one objective--jump--and he didn't need the voices to tell him to do it.
There was no rush. Izaya was where he needed to be and ready to do what he had to do. He had made up his mind and there was no changing it. He sat on the edge of the bridge, his back to the fence meant to keep cars and pedestrians on the other side: the safe side. He chose to enjoy these last quiet moments; a sense of complete calm he had never felt before washed over him. Happiness is what it was. In all his life he had never felt this way, he had felt satisfied and even excited at times, but he had never come across such true fulfillment and inner peace as he had in this moment.
Below him only a handful of cars passed, at this hour most sane people were sleeping somewhere. The usual hum of the city had left with its sleeping citizens. A light, warm breeze ran through his hair and over his face. He inhaled the soft air in delight as he looked out at the stars in the cloudless sky. He stood up, at peace, ready to finally go. He held the fence behind him for a moment looking down one last time and releasing one hand from the railing.
"Don't."
Shocked, Izaya flinched and grasped the fence behind him tightly. Shizuo was not five feet from him at the gap between the safety fence and edge of the bridge that Izaya had squeezed through to get to where he was.
"What do you want Shizuo?"
"I...when I told you we needed to fix this, ending everything altogether isn't what I meant."
Tears sprang to Izaya's eyes, and his voice cracked, "I'm happy now Shizuo. I feel at peace. I'm ready to let go."
"Well, I'm not."
Izaya looked up into the blond's eyes, "W-what?"
"I'm not ready to let go of you Izaya, just because you're ready doesn't mean the rest of us are--me, Shinra, Celty, Simon, all of us. You can't just decide you're ready to go. That's not how it works Izaya," Shizuo had made his way over to Izaya, his hand was covering Izaya's on the fence so he couldn't possibly let go.
Izaya's voice was barely a whimper, "Shizuo, this is the happiest I've ever been. I'm so close..."
"You're not happy, you just think you are. You think there's nothing to be afraid of now. You think you can just escape the pain you're in right now by jumping and never feeling again, and that will make you happy but that's not what life's about. Life is about living Izaya, you can't cheat yourself out of that. Come on, if you think this is the happiest you've ever been, then we'll just have to make you happier from now on," he paused seeing Izaya still didn't to have changed his mind, "Why do you keep shutting me out?! I'm right here Izaya. I'm right here!"
They were both crying now.
"I can't keep living like this. I'm so scared Shizuo. I'm always so scared," he wrapped his arms around Shizuo and buried his face in his chest to block out the world. Shizuo held him tightly, as though he'd fly away.
"I can't escape it."
"You don't need to be afraid anymore Izaya. Just come with me."

Fin