Solitary crowds

Suicide Attempt (Epic fail)

Failed attempt. I'm a perfectionist and somehow I failed a suicide attempt. I am so ridiculously disappointed in myself.

Well I was at least but not now. I hurt someone very close to me. The night I was going to escape this place I told her goodbye. I told her I loved her and that she was an amazing friend to me and I would miss her. At the time me an her had been fighting against another girl who because I rejected her decided to make my life a living hell.

My friend took it upon herself to curse the girl out and make her feel like shit which I have no guilt for at all. But my friend did this assuming this girl was the reason for my attempt. She wasn't. It was internal. I was just tired, I am tired of being here. Being alive. I hate it.

But I've underestimated how much she actually loves me. She texted me, called me, over and over and I didn't  respond. I took the pills and went to sleep happy that I wouldn't wake up the next day.

I woke up that same night with a fully functional body, dried blood on my wrists and thighs, but I was alive. And I hated it.

But I looked at my phone n saw I missed 15 calls from her and a bunch of unread texts. I climbed off my bed with a massive migrane, weak limbs, and blood all over my clothes, and I responded her.

I told her it didn't work and not to worry. She tried to call me and I hung up on her because it was late and I wasn't supposed to be on my phone at the time. I told her I was okay and that my attempt failed but I would not see her the next day because I wanted to stay home.

She was pissed at me, hurt. She said she was in tears and I scared the mess out of her. She asked how i could ever do such a thing and I said I didn't think you'd care. No one ever did so why would you.

She then went on a rant about how much she cares about me and she'd never want to loose me in that way. I continued attempting to calm her down because she was in hysterics but she finally did calm down and I told her to get some rest.

I went to school late the next day and wasn't able to see her in the morning and wall her to class. I told her to talk to her boy friend and she refused cause she said she didn't want him to see her crying. I told her to stop worrying about me and she said I didn't care how she felt and I told her I did.

I went to 1st block, sat through it and proceeded to second block which is the class I have with her. She refused to look at me, refused to turn my way or talk to me the entire class as if I was a disease. I talked to my other friend who didnt know I attempted the night before and she saw me crying and took me to the bathroom, dried my tears, and said she would stay with me as long as I needed.

I ended up staying after school with her, goofing off, and she cheered me up. And it was then I realized I didn't want to leave. I wouldn't leave her or anyone of my friends just because I hated living.

They are what's keeping me alive, all of them, but especially my two closets friends. One of them, I hurt so bad. The other she understood me and why I did it but she jokingly shoved me and said don't do that anymore and her voice was gentle and sweet, not a hint of worry  or hurt whatsoever because deep down she knew after that day, when I stayed after school with her, I would never try again.

And I won't. I fixed things with the one I hurt. She's okay, and we're okay, and I promised her I would never try again and she said I'd better keep that promise and I told her I would.

I'm stuging, yes, and the need to take my life is still there yes, but I'm going to get through it. I hope so. And if I don't those two will always be there to help me through it. And I wouldn't leave them for the world.

So I guess here's the point of me telling you guys this. Don't attempt. And if you're reasoning is because you think no one cares and no one will miss you, that's a bull shit reason. Because I was 100% sure no I'm would miss me and I was wrong because the very people I was convinced didn't care, cared so much more than I realized.

There are always going to be people out there who care about you so to give up on them is just pure selfishness. And don't say no one cares because you never really know if someone does, and trust me someone always does.

All you have to do is seek out that person and latch onto them like they're your lifeline because they may be. Don't worry about being too clingy, some people may want you to cling. It makes them feel needed and loved when you do that. There's  nothing wrong with being clingy if that person truly loves you.

Never give up on yourself and never doubt the people who care about you because in the end when your world falls apart, and it will a few times, those people are going to be the ones to help you build it back up.