Keep Breathing

5. Does self-harm equal suicide?

One of the biggest questions people have is that if someone who self-harms may commit suicide, seems like a norm or some kind of superstition very easy to believe. But maybe things are not that simple for some people.

We need to remember that every mind is different, it's a whole different kind of universe, and that some rules may not apply in their as in ours. Maybe what seems like logical in our world is just a myth in theirs.

As I said before, self-harming could be like a little, guilty way of escaping from something bigger and stronger, a not so correct way to deal with what's happening, take a break, a deep breath and keep fighting. That was my case for most of the time.

I used to self-harm when I was in high school, and sometimes it was just as an escape to the pain, not my way to say "help me, I want to die." There's a clear difference between being tired or wanting to run away, and feeling helpless.

People sometimes just need a rest, a little pause in their struggling, an escape from all the pain they're feeling, and self-harming, although not the best option, seems like a good choice when all the other options fail.

And it's not that we want life to end, but that we want and need it to change, and have no idea how to do it, where to start. All the pressure is becoming a bigger weight each day. There is the possibility that a cutter could start having suicidal thoughts, or the opposite, that a suicidal starts with this practice, but it's not something that always happen.

Some people self-harm because of a sick romantic point of view, as if they were vampires, others have scarifications, which I do consider attractive in a few cases, but things like these don't help to know if that particular person is considering suicide as an exit to whatever they may be feeling.

I myself could consider to have a scarification, just a little one, like that kind of strange decoration we all want to have, well, that's what it means for me: an expression, the desire to be unique, and its miles away from being the same than self-harming.

For me, it just started as an experiment. I wanted to know why some people do it, what they feel, I wanted to discover it by myself, and did a few, short cuts on my hand one day, not telling anyone, and letting my classmates see them with no problem. Maybe that was my mistake, because the second time was when my world was crashing down.

I was in a very hard time with no solid support: no family, very few friends, and some that turned their backs on me. It was almost sure I'll need to repeat that year, my father had cancer, and many other things, one after the other, like a non-stop rain of acid, that one night, in the middle of a crisis, I lost a battle.

It did help, it did prevented me from doing something crazy that night, and as much as I don't like to think about it this way, maybe it was self-harming what saved me, one way or the other, the unexpected savior I needed back then.

This does not mean: "Go ahead, let your skin be marked forever", that you should cut, burn or torture yourself in any sense, but if doing a single, little cut, or some of them, not so serious, not putting your life at the edge, if that could save you and there's no other option, go ahead, is acceptable just in case it helps you more than what it hurts you.

But how do you deal with the desire to cut? How do you fight it? I never had the chance to do this for my problems when I needed it, but in other times, it helped me a lot: write whatever is bothering you in a piece of paper, or two, three, whatever amount you may need to feel you've written it all, and then set it on fire.

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not, what matters is that you see them disappear and see that, just like fire, your mind can help you erase them all, one by one. It will still work: to see all those problems burning in front of you helps to know that there's always an answer for every question and an exit to every dead end.

And what happens if there's no way out? Find some dynamite and make all those walls fall apart as you. No exit? Perfect, make your own, one that is only for you, and don't worry about the effects. As long as you're still her with us, fighting, becoming stronger and breathing, nothing else matters.

If you suspect you may be in danger, call a friend, two, three, go to the neighbor, whoever you trust and know can make you feel better. If someone thinks you're faking it, middle fingers up, turn around and find someone who really cares about you.

Remember that we are not alone, it's not up to just us. There's no shame in letting other help you or helping them. Shadows are the proof that there's a light at the end, and the bigger they are, the brighter this last will be when you see it.

I myself am still fighting, more than never. Some could say I'm a rebel, that I misbehave sometimes and do the things the wrong way, but I know I feel better, that I don't hurt anyone and that maybe can help another guy out there struggling with the same dark thoughts I have sometimes, so who cares?

As I've said before, there's no certain way to know who is going to do it next, who is going to give up and who is breaking down on the inside, and despite it could sound like a sign, self-harming is not directly related to suicide.

Written by @AlanDD