18

March 16'

I'm Sorry- Sleeping with Sirens

"And if I ever let you down

I'm sorry."

I am always worried about you, you know that? I don't have to wait for something upsetting to hit you. I have always been this way. I always care about the people around. Sure, I have had people whom I cared about, but not someone like you. I hope you know that because I love you to death. And it's all because of you. You are an amazing person Muka. And that's hard to find and to be.

I'd die for you that's easy to say, I'd live for you that's hard to say. I'm happy that you are the person I'd live for.

Just like the last month I may not remember much about this month either, but I do remember one particular thing. I remember one week that left me scared out of my wits.

This month was when we had our final exams. This was the month when I thought something was wrong so I kept asking you. The first and the last thing I would ask in a conversation was,

"What is wrong Muka?"

I was never sure of the answer I received. And one day when the things had really piled up, I sent you a long message saying and asking all kinds of thing. My intention was just to make sure that you're okay and if you weren't, then to make you feel better.

That's when you flipped out.

Then you said a certain things to me and told me not to text you and give you some space. And I did.

I didn't text you. As a matter of fact, I stopped seeing you at school. I would run away home early after the exams to make sure you got all the space you needed.

Every day I would wait for your text, a message, a call, anything. And a week passed.

If there is something that still scares me, it's that one week. 7 days. The 7 most miserable days of my life.

You know why? Because I thought I had done something that you'd never forgive me for. I thought I had broken that bond between us to such extent that it was beyond repair. I thought I had done something so terrible that you'd never talk to me again. In those 7 days, I got to see what my life would be like without you, because honestly I thought I had lost you.

But I guess I hadn't.

I remember sitting on the sofa with my phone in my hands and my eyes on the movie playing on the TV. My mind was somewhere else though. It was waiting for something.

Suddenly my phone buzzed and I checked it. There was some notification on Twitter. I opened it and I saw your message.

That one text kinda like breathed the life back into me. I remember reading it but I don't remember exactly what it was.

I do remember asking you, why it took you a week.

"I was ignoring the thoughts. But I texted you abhi. I was finally having Anmol withdrawals."

I remember crying during that conversation with mixed emotions swirling inside.

I'm sorry Muka, I really am and I really was. I'm sorry to have given you the reason to stay away from me. I'm sorry to have annoyed you till you couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry to have pushed you for an answer.

But it was all because I really care about you and I really love you. I'm sorry if even that is not a good enough reason.

I was born this way, to be afraid of losing people. But I had never thought that someday I will find someone whom I'll love this much; whom I'll be afraid of losing more than I'm afraid of losing myself. 

I swear.