18

July 16'

I don't think that I can start this month with a song. I tried to contemplate the reason and I found out that no song can align and perfectly define this month, as quick as an eye blink or a heartbeat.

I guess I don't need to tell you why. This was the time of the actual break up.

"You do it okay? I'll be here and I promise I'll stay strong."

I remember you telling me this when I was faltering and tremors were taking control of my hands. You told me this when I wasn't sure about my decision but you knew that it was the right thing to do; that it was time to let go.

"I need a hug..."

I told you after I did what was needed to be done.

"*SQUEEEEEEZZZZEEEEE*"

"A real one, I meant."

"Haan toh ab screen se bahar nikalke thodi doongi. Jab next time miloge tabhi hug milega na."

"Hanji."

"Kal subah. Jaldi uthna and go for a walk. And call me subah subah."

I told you I'd be out by 4 a.m. but mum didn't let me. I was out at 6 and I called you up.

"Mei subah utha, and phone check kiya but missed call ni tha. Toh muje laga ki nai aayegi call ab, so mei so gya. Huh."

You said as soon as you picked up.

I walked around, even came near to your house while we talked about the most random things in the morning. And after I reached home, you abruptly hung up.

A few minutes later I got a text saying,

"Sorry, Maa aa gayi thi room mei. And meine kisi tarah unko convince kiya ki I was sleeping. Shit, that was a good save."

I don't remember if it was the exact next day in school or some days later when it was only the two of us who had came. I just know that all I want to remember about that day was this:

I went to into my class to pick up my water bottle and you came in, during the time of dispersal. After I picked it up and we were close to the door, I stopped for a second. You looked back and pulled on the sheet holder on my hand, to make me leave the class with you. But I didn't. I instead I stretched my hands towards you and you jumped right in to give me a comforting hug. I'm sorry for tightening the hug. Heh.

To our surprise the door was closed behind us and as soon as we left you said,

"Kuch galat nai ho rha tha andar."

And so obviously, we left laughing.

Muka, you in so many different ways, picked me up as I was falling a little apart. I know this would be repetition of words but for this one moment, this fits.

"Pick you up if you fall to pieces

Let me be the one to save you."

A few days later I got this vindictive message for her, as always. When I told you about it, you said something that finally made me feel that I wasn't worthless. I won't repeat everything you said, but I don't remember them. I just remember these few words.

"I love you, not like her but definitely more than her."

Honestly, that was all I wanted to hear from you. And you said the right thing, in the right moment and I'm hella sure that it left an impact on me, a very positive impact.

I want to call it the month where I think you didn't hesitate at all in telling me what I meant to you. And I swear, even if I tell you the same thing every day for the next 365 years, the words won't be able to contain how much you mean to me.

Okay? I really-really love you. Just remember that. And I'm sure it's gonna last when you are happy and just boost up when you are upset.

It's never ending and unconditional.