You are sitting in your math class, listening to music not paying attention to the teacher. Everyone one around you is taking notes, but you sit there and stare into space. One of your friends asks if something is wrong. You put on a fake smile and say "Ya, I'm fine." Your gut tenses at the word fine, because we all know you aren't. They nod, not completely convinced and you turn your attention back to your music. School ends and all you want to do is go home and sleep.
It's all you do now. You are too tired to do anything else. The medication they put you on just makes everything numb. Not to mention the withdrawal of nicotine. Last week you got caught smoking. You were told if you did one more thing you would not be able to see your friends anymore. You didn't care but you just didn't want to get yelled at again. You hate seeing the disappointment in your parents' eyes, but that's what you are right? Just a big disappointment, a mistake.
You get off the bus and slowly walk to your room and lay down. Before you know it you are opening your eyes to the sound of your phone going off.
"Hello." You say in a sleepy voice.
"y/n your mother and I will not be coming home tonight. We have a meeting and then we are going to the casino. Your brother is at his friends. No party, no alcohol, and no smoking. See ya later."
"Okay lo-" You were cut off by the click of the phone. You don't know why you even try anymore. They don't love you, they never will. You lay back down and try to fall back asleep, but find that you can't.
So you get up and decide to take a walk.
You walk for miles. It was getting dark and you don't really want to go home yet. So you go downtown to the park. You watch the river and look up at the bridge. You get the urge to run up there and feel the wind blow through your hair. So you give into the feeling.
You stand there and watch all the cars go by, the kids playing in the park, happy as can be. You get the urge to stand on the other side of the railing. So you give in yet again. Not thinking that if you fall it will be suicide. You don't think about wanting to commit suicide at all. You just have this feeling in your heart, an ache.
Your hands grip the railing tight. But the urge comes back and you let go.
All you have to do is take a step. The voice says in your head
"Why not. I don't have anything to lose at this point" And you take that step and for a moment you are free, you are flying. But it doesn't last and you hit the water so hard it knocks you unconscious and you drown.
You didn't think anyone would care but you were wrong.
Your parents blame it all on them. They think that if they would have stayed home, would you be alive. Your best friends can barley make it through the day without bursting into tears. That one friend in your math class, ya they killed themselves because they loved you. They thought you were beautiful and smart, funny, and that you didn't deserve to feel that way. They were going to tell you the next day. They were going to ask you out. And now they killed themselves because they didn't see a point of living without you.
So next time you think no one would care, that your life doesn't matter. They will care, you do matter. Please don't take that step. Don't give into the urge.
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Stay strong guys.
I'm always here if you need to talk
