parties have never been my thing. painting is my thing. annabel was my thing. i put on my favorite band t shirt. bauhaus. and a ratty cardigan.
i want to tell fleur to murder me for my sins. cremate me, eat the ashes. please kill me. this will be the last dance for angel boy. a blessed suffering. i'll rise, then die again. feed me to the toothless dog. shoot me with your daddy's rifle. i'd do anything to be called someone's honey bunny.
i get into my little bug car. my knees bend in front of the steering wheel and i have to hunch to fit without hitting my head. i look over and imagine annabel sitting next to me. i want to lean in and kiss her. our first kiss.
we were sitting in the car with milkshakes. she was sucking on the cherry and i was licking up the whipped cream. i looked at her, starry eyed. she put a finger over my bottom lip and felt it. i hoped to god it was as soft as how she makes my insides feel. then she leaned in and kissed the corners of my lips until it was killing me. i grabbed her by the back of her head and smashed our lips together. it hurt but it made up for how long i hadn't had my mouth on hers in my life. i climbed on top of her and reclined the passenger seat. our tongues were tied in knots, knots she untied herself. but annabel left knots untied in my stomach. i almost expected her to say
i am real, and you are not.
the first time annabel and i had sex was a week later. a bit rushed but it was the perfect way for it to happen. it wasn't my first time, but it was hers. we were at a party where the walls were breathing and the windows were eyes. we were alone in a room, only illuminated by a single blacklight bulb. i could see the whites of her eyes and her beautiful teeth. we looked at each other from opposite sides of the bulb. the sound of the party was muffled by the walls around us and our desire for each other.
"do you trust me?" i asked.
"not yet" she said "but i don't care."
i kissed her hard. i held her close to me. i wanted to conjoin with her.
"i want this, vincent. i want it bad."
i pushed her on the couch and took my shirt off while she took off hers. she was wearing a pale pink bra and virgin white panties. she was so perfect. i cannot stress how perfect she was to me. in that moment, annabel was mine. she was my baby.
"do you trust me?" i asked again.
she bit her lip and nodded. i held her face in my palms and ran my thumbs over her cheeks. she was a cherub.
"hit me" she said.
"what?"
"i want to give you everything, vincent. i want you to hit me, like my dad used to hit me."
"no."
she started crying in my arms. she had a heart shaped face. bright eyes.
then we did it. she kept telling me i was hers. she kept telling me that she would do anything for me. we were together and we were in love. she loved me. she kissed me like she loved me. she fucked me like she loved me. she held me like she needed me.
i remember her.
"i'm doomed" she told me.
"you're my doom."
"i don't want to be doomed alone, vin."
