dear frida (coming september 1st)

written in periwinkle ink

dear frida,

i just had an actual conversation with laolao for the first time in like three months.

i think she'd noticed i'd been watching say yes to the dress for six hours on end, because all of a sudden she sat down next to me to give me some awkward pats on my shoulder. "she looks like white colour garbage bag," she nodded at the tv. i didn't laugh. i kind of related to the white colour garbage bag. "you having a hard time," she said. it was not a question.

"a little," i admitted.

"i think a little a lot," she said. (that may or may not have had to do with the oreo crumbs in my hair.)

"i talked to leander today," i explained.

"it went bad?"

"i guess you could say it wasn't exactly great."

"you think you two broke now?"

"i don't know."

"and the girl? fatima?"

"fattouma." i shrugged. "i don't feel like talking to anyone anymore." then there was this silence, like a hole in the couch, and i started crying like an infant. "i'm a mess," i sobbed.

"there are lots of boy," laolao said, but i shook my head.

"it's not that," i said, hugging my knees to my chest, "it's just..." i didn't know how to finish that sentence so i simply said "everything", because it felt like it was everything. it felt like the world ending in my ribcage. "everything is so confusing. half of the time i don't even understand my own thoughts, and, like, i always feel one step behind, like, my mind has changed but on the outside i'm still a previous version of myself."

"everyone of your age feels so," laolao shushed. "and it's... how to say." she stopped to think for what felt like forty years. i was just about to start crying again when she looked up. "you know pangaea?" she said. "the earth pieces?"

"like, the tectonic plates?" i frowned. "continental drift?"

"yes," she said. "the plates always breaking and moving apart and together. i think it's like that."

"what?"

"everything. life." i could almost hear her thinking in the silence that followed. "growing up is your pangaea breaking," she said after a while. "pieces moving to where they need to be."

"and how long before they settle?"

"never," she said. "plates still moving." she pointed at herself and patted my arm again. "plates move and earth quakes and that is forever. that is what plates do. it is not a mess. it is life." then she looked at me like there was so much more she wanted to tell me, but the words didn't exist in english. (i downloaded some school app twenty minutes ago - i want to learn chinese, even if it's just a little. i feel like i owe her that.)

i turned the tv off and thanked her. when she asked me what for, i told her i didn't know.

but i know.

yours truly,

lei