His Broken Promise

Chapter 7

June 20, 2012. Greg had been very physical with me all day. Hugging me, rubbing my shoulders, rubbing my feet, putting his arm around my shoulders...I didn't know what to think of it all. I felt loved in a way. Nobody had ever treated me like he had. He had shown me more attention than anyone, yet, he caused me more pain than it made sense to. I didn't know what his intentions were. I wanted to block out his flaws, like I did with everyone else in my life. But he left wounds so deep, nothing could make me forget. I longed for a friend for years; a best friend. I considered him and Rosie to be mine. But there was a wall that Rosie had put up against me that kept me from getting closer to her. I knew I had been annoying and quite irritating to her for a while, but I ached for friendship.

​Greg came into my room around 9pm and informed me he was going to pick out my clothes. Lauren was at the apartment but Greg needed a ride to work from my mom so they allowed him to spend the night again. He searched through my drawers and picked out a pair of pants first; pink with white penguins. I rolled my eyes as I waited for my shirt. It was an old work t-shirt with my dad's company name across it. It was very loose and worn out. I kicked him out so I could change and then crawled into my bottom bunk. Greg peeked through my door slightly and turned out my light. I watched him close my door slowly. I said my prayers and fell asleep quickly. The heat in my room was almost unbearable. I was sweating across my neck as I dreamt of Smithfield. I saw Rosie and Abby sitting towards the front. The rest of the auditorium was empty. They stared ahead of them as I walked down the aisle. I called their names but I heard nothing. The walk seemed to get longer and longer. I finally made my way to them and sat on the left side of Rosie. They didn't move a muscle. I yelled to get their attention but nothing came out. The room felt like it was getting smaller. It got cold very fast. Everything around me became brighter until I couldn't see anymore. I felt around for Abby or Rosie but something was blocking my way. I tried to scream but no one heard me. My body jolted upright and I felt myself having breathing troubles. A cold hand was against my chest. I froze. My door was wide open with the bathroom light shining through. I slowly lowered myself down against my pillow. I turned to my left side so he couldn't see my face. I tried to tell myself to be brave, but all I could feel was fear. He slipped his right hand down my pants, and I trembled. My knees were stuck together from the heat. I hoped that would make him stop, but it didn't. He quietly cleared his throat and eased his hands across my body. I was in a lot of pain but didn't let him know I was awake. I couldn't. He could easily overpower me. It's my word against his. After he was done, he stayed next to my bed for a few extra minutes. I tried not to let him hear me whimper. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him staring at his hand. "Huh...my hand is wet..." I squeezed my eyes shut and blocked out all outside noises. He walked to the bathroom. After a few minutes he stood in my doorway and whispered "I know you're awake, Mads. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am." I pulled my blanket over my head and waited for the darkness to sweep over the room. Please God, take my life from me. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I passed out. So much pain overcame me that night. Not just physical, but psychological pain. Torment. Why had he chosen me? What did I do to deserve this?

​I continued to go to SYS the rest of the summer. Kyrsti's mom picked us up each time so my parents didn't have to get dressed up. On occasion Sandi or Joe would pick me up. I felt lucky to have such loving people in my life that would go out of their way to take us places. I often pondered on it while riding in the car with them. I stayed quiet, listened to their conversations, smiled when they acknowledged me...inside I was screaming. I wanted so much to become a part of the group, to be normal, but I was an outcast. I had this terrible secret that no one could possibly understand. I was desperate for help.

​One of the nights we rode with Joe, I looked over at Rosie and she avoided my eye contact. I quickly looked at the floorboard. I was sitting in the back in between Abby and Sarah. Rosie was up front with her Dad. In the middle seats, Joey and Cameron were talking loudly of their favorite video games. I heard Abby's music through her ear buds next to me. I looked around at the van and observed every movement. I had to keep occupied so my thoughts didn't drift to Greg. I closed my eyes briefly and saw him. I saw his eyes looking into mine. He reached out his hand to me before I quickly opened to see Cameron looking in my direction. I shook my head and raised my eye brow. He squinted at me and turned back to Joey. I was confused, hoping it was just an awkward moment between us. I began to panic. What if he knows? What if he starts asking too many questions? As we pulled into the church parking lot, I jumped out and walked behind the crowd. I grabbed the strap from my bag that was across my chest for security. I held it tightly as we walked to find an empty pew. Abby and Rosie put their bags down and searched for their friends. I followed closely behind Rosie and kept silent. I saw her glance over a couple times, but not a word. I sighed and Abby turned to me. "Hey, are you okay?" My heart skipped a beat as my mind flooded with different responses I could give. If I make it obvious I'm not okay, then she'll ask questions. But I don't want to lie and say I am okay. I nodded sheepishly and she continued to look at me. I looked from side to side, hoping I wouldn't have to say anything. She turned to the front and caught up with Rosie. After the singing and the lesson had ended, I prayed the dinner would last for hours. I was afraid of seeing Greg again. I loved him, but I hated him as well. I tried to keep my mind on the conversations around me, but I couldn't stay focused for too long before I'd think of him. He had his claws in me so deep; I didn't want him to get in trouble. He had been there for me when I needed someone, how could I ruin his life by telling on him? I felt stuck. I wanted all of it to stop, yet I wasn't prepared for the consequences. I messaged Rosie again once we got home. She didn't respond for a long time. But when she did, I felt relaxed. She wasn't ecstatic to hear from me again, but she was incredibly kind to me either way. I appreciated her kindness at all times. She was considerate, no matter how extreme I was about my depression. But part of me felt alone even when talking with someone. My mind was set on believing they were annoyed with my presence and wanted me gone. This was with everyone. I couldn't bear that feeling. It crept up on me each time I would try to talk to someone. I was alone in my thoughts. Stranded.