What I do....

...

I'm falling.
Everyday I fall farther away from the ones I love, the ones I share laughs and sorrows the ones I share secrets to and the ones who share truths.

I wish I wasn't. I hoped I wouldn't. But I am.

What more can I do but try to slow my descent?

I hide behind fake laughs and fake smiles.

No one knows my pain my worries. They useless things that drag me down like boulders.

However hard I try I can't gain ground or stop the pain and fear that drives me farther back. Behind the lines of hope. Behind the lines of love. Behind the love of happiness.

I feel myself getting lost and I watch from another body. One where the worries and pains aren't there. What can I do to find the right path again.

I'm losing my armour my walls. Their crumbling faster than I can rebuild them. What will happen when they fall?

Nothing sparks my interest anymore. Nothing brings happiness anymore. Nothing feels anymore.

I haven't read in weeks. I haven't watched anything in months. I haven't played anything in days.
I haven't written in months.

What's happened to me. What have I become?

I've become the creature I hate. I've become something that I never wanted to be. Where did the real me go? Or is this what I have truly become?

I feel myself losing more and more hope everyday. The hope someone. Anyone would see through my false smiles and forced laughter.

One has. It doesn't know how to help when even I don't know what's happening to myself.

I fear losing myself. I fear losing everyone around me. I fear losing the part of me everyone loves and looks to.

But I am and honestly what more can I do? I wish I knew. I wish I could find out.

I used to write my feelings into my characters but I haven't picked up my notebook in months four to be exact.

I used to read and use the characters problems as my own but I haven't read in weeks.

I used to get joy from watching anime and now I feel nothing.

I used to play games and pretend their problems where my own. Getting solved in the end.

I've tried to write. I feel nothing write nothing. I've tried to read. The words don't capture my attention like they used to. I've tried to watch anime. I only watch with false happiness for the characters. I've tried to play games and I just mindlessly do quests.

I miss those who have left or have grown apart. The ones lost in time. The ones lost on sorrow and sadness.

I am becoming one of the ones who watch the world flow past them and do nothing to try and grasp it. I am becoming one of the ones who I cast sad and sympathetic glances at as I past them.

What can I do anymore to save my own lost soul? What can I do to save my tortured mind? What can I do to live again,  a life worth living?