Rant Book

My Story

I've decided to start this book with my most important story. This story is a relatively new one. It hasn't ended yet, and I don't think it ever will. This is one of the biggest things in my life right now. It might be one of the biggest things in my life ever, actually. Living this story has been a bit crazy, definitely tough, but worth it in the end. I know telling this story will only make things better, and honestly I am eager to get this out there. I don't want to be the only person to know what happened, I want my story to be told. Some people may be able to relate to this, for others it could open up a whole new perspective. I really hope this story not only helps me but other people too. So without further ado...

This is the story of how I discovered my sexuality.

I'm pansexual, to be exact. For those that don't know what that is, it basically means I'm attracted to people of all genders. It's different from bisexual because that means to love two genders, whereas pansexuals can love all genders. I'll probably write more on this later.

Discovering who I was was hard, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I think about how easy it would be if I was straight. But I wouldn't change who I am for the world. Just because it's not easy, doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm proud to be pansexual and no one can make me feel otherwise. I love myself, even if other people don't.

Now unfortunately, I'm still in the closet. I'm planning on coming out to some of my friends soon so we'll see how that goes. I'm mostly scared of coming out to my family. They're not homophobic that I know of, but it's still terrifying. I don't think they'll really understand. But I'll will come out to them eventually. Maybe someday the world will be a bit of a better place and coming out won't be such a big deal.

To any of you out there that are out and proud, I deeply admire your bravery. I love and support you and hope one day I can have the same courage as you. I'm only at the beginning of my journey. But I want to tell you guys the full story. Let's start at the very beginning.

*rewind, rewind*

The real story really started a few months ago.

During the summer I do a sailing program at the yacht club in my town where my family and I belong. None of my really close friends belong to the yacht club so I have a different friend group while I'm there. We all hang out and sail together so we're not alone (we sail Hartley 12's if anyone cares).

In my friend group there's one girl in particular I spend most of time with. For privacy purposes we'll call her Alice (she loves Alice In Wonderland the book, but she hates the movie because there were supposed to be yellow stripes on the dress). Me and her stuck together all last summer.

I'm going to summarize things for you so this doesn't drag on. Basically, I started feeling a little bit more than friendship for Alice. Well, I thought I was. I wasn't sure. It was just that we were alone together so much, sitting on rocks on islands and looking out at the ocean, talking endlessly about whatever random shit popped into our heads, our hands just inches away, her eyes as deep and gray-blue as a cloudy sky, and her pink lips almost close enough to ki- umm, I mean, I was confused about my feelings.

Obviously, I didn't know what to do. I'd never felt like this for a girl. I didn't even know if these feelings were real. I thought I might have just been making them up, wanting to be special instead of boring old hetero me. Naturally, I wanted to know what was going on.

Right off the bat I knew I wasn't gay. I've had crushes on boys so only liking girls was out of the question. Beyond that I didn't know much about the variety of sexualities. I decided it was time to educate myself.

I checked off what I knew. Gay and lesbian I got of course, and bisexual I had a pretty good understanding of. There has to be more than that, I thought. I had come across the term pansexual on Pinterest and didn't know what it meant so I started there. I read the basic Wikipedia definition and then of course read through the whole page because I still didn't really get it. I kept researching it and it got me thinking.

I thought about what I knew. I still wasn't sure if I had feelings for Alice. But I realized if I did and I was into girls, I would probably be pansexual. Pansexual just seemed more right, more me. I've always felt like the content of something is more important than what category it's in or what people classify it as. I don't care what genre books are, or what type of music a song is as long as it's good. But of course, books and music aren't the same as people.

For a while I really struggled. Everyday I switched my mind about what I thought. One day I'd be sure I was sure I was pansexual. The next I'd be laughing at myself, convinced I was straight and silly for thinking otherwise. I went back and forth like that for a month or two. Often I would google sexualities and just read through the Wikipedia definitions, trying to see which one felt the most right. I even prayed to every god I knew just begging for help.

Slowly, bit by bit, I began to discover who I was. My denial started fading away. The more I tried to convince myself I was straight the more it seemed totally wrong. Pansexual just seemed like the right thing.

I knew I couldn't struggle with this forever. It was hurting me. I would often end up in tears because I was so confused on who I was supposed to be. I was unhappy like this, and all I wanted was clarity. I finally came to a decision around the middle of November. One day I just told myself "I'm pansexual. That's who I am and I can't change it." So I started to accept myself and understand what this would mean. Sure, I would have to come out to my friends and family which is something I never dreamed of doing. However, I also get to date amazing girls, awesome boys, and fantastic non-binary people. So it's really not that bad.

Being pansexual really does feel more right than anything else. Now, if I think about being limited to one or even two genders it just seems ridiculous. No offense to you guys, but I really can't imagine being so restricted. I get to date everybody! (not literally) And you guys only have a one or a few genders to choose from. But as long as you happy I support you. I'm not saying everybody should be like me. I'm just happy I am. And it's not just that that makes me happy about my sexuality. Even the pride flag feels right. It just seems to fit me better than any other flag. Pansexuality is just so me.

So now you know my story. It's really not that exciting, I'm sure plenty of you have gone through or will go through the same thing. So good luck! Whatever happens, just make sure you're happy with who you are. Whether you're gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, a boy, girl, neither, or anything else, just know if it feels right it is right. Don't let other people dampen your spirits, you lovely people. This will be worth the struggle, I promise. You will absolutely be happier when you know who you are. So be you!

(Probably) no longer confused,
ashb1303