Feelings

The Worst

I don't want to be like this anymore. Why was I made this way. Why don't the friends I think I have like me back. Why doesn't the mother I have love me the way a mother should love her child. Why, Why , Why? The problem is I don't know the answer. Maybe if I was prettier. Or smarter. Or maybe happier. I wish I knew the answer to my problems. I doubt even then I could save myself, From the dark pit of despair i'm feeling on the inside, Once more.

~I stand in my bathroom looking in the mirror. No ones home. I look at myself, my hair, my skin, my body, and my face. I don't think i'm pretty. Maybe I could be if every time I looked at myself I didn't wish I could be someone else. "Maybe my hair is to long?" i'm not really sure if that was question or a statement even though I said it to myself. I turn on the water in the bathtub, the water not to warm. But its hot enough to burn me. I like the pain from things, I feel like I deserve it for me being such a bad person. I grab my phone. Go through my old text messages with him. From the start when he used to say he loved me. Until our last text, where he said he didn't. I didn't mean to start them but I did. The voices of all the people began. "Your'e nothing, no one could ever love you." "They are acting like they like you, they pity you, because your'e pathetic." etc.etc. I scream out of pain,horror,anger,and sadness. I just want to be at peace. I run into the kitchen grab the blue pills iv'e never taken enough of before. I grab 27 sleeping pills. I'm done feeling crazy, i'm done feeling lonely. I look at myself in the mirror just before i swallow. "Only a matter of time before your'e happy, Only a matter of time." I grab the scissors cut off my light brown hair. I watch as it slowly falls to the ground. I step into the hot bath. As the heat engulfs my nerves, I tense up. But relax into the pain. My clothes float around in the tub. I reach under the sink where my letters Iv'e written before are and place them on the counter top.  I'm finally going to do something right. I lean back so my nose is barley above the water. I hope to die for the last time. As I slip into my beautiful nightmare, I hear the front door open.~

I wish I wasn't the worst. But I am the bad, the Worst.