Feelings

The Horrible

Stuck running in circles. I see the rain poring down from the windows. I look out windows only wondering what would happen if I was to jump out of them. Going crazy. Going off the rails. Going home to where I want to be. Wishing to be gone, to have no home, to have my home be underground.

~"Is it strange I can feel myself losing control? Or the fact that I don't stop myself?." I say as I continue to stare at my hands. Dr Richmond has never even seen my eyes that I know of. I slightly smile looking in my lap. Why is it taking her so long to answer? "Fuck man, Can you say something tell me like i'm not going crazy or something?"I almost rose my voice. She shifts in her seat uncomfortably. "How can I tell you the answer to something you should be able to answer yourself?"She says in her slow tone. "I don't know how to answer it. I have to many questions." I close my eyes thinking. "Have you ever thought that maybe you don't want to answer those questions?". I stand up and walk to the mirror after she speaks. I look like I haven't slept in days, Almost sickly. I put my finger up to my eye and pull out the light blue contact I use to cover my dark brown eye. I place it on the table no caring if it gets dirty. Then I get the other one out. The tears welt up in my eyes. I blink fast to get them away. I walk over and sit back down in the chair across from the Doctor. I open my eyes, so for the first time she can see them. She says "Why did you show me your true eyes?" I lean back shrug."I'm not really sure" I say quietly. " I guess I wanted someone to see them. No one ever has" She nods, Leaning her head from side to side as if she was poping her neck. Her light gray hair swings over around her neck. "Why haven't you shown people? Are you ashamed?" A two questioner, I hate those. "I don't like my eyes, I think that blue goes better with my hair" I say as I pick up a strain and wrap it in circles around my finger ."I guess i'm a little bit ashamed of them. I don't like people to see the real me." I say as my voice cracks. "Shit am I really crying?" I think to myself. She looks up from her notepad. "Why is that?" She speaks concernedly. " Because when I let people see the real me. On the inside. They leave. And then I get hurt again."I look at the window seeing the wind blow the rain by as I spoke. "Maybe if you-" She gets cut off bye the timer. Times up. Until next week.~

I wish only I could smile without wanting to cry. I wish I could go one night without crying myself too sleep. But I cant. Because I have the bad, The worst, And the horrible.