sentient // phan

http//: 17

Robots were balancing on rooftops, hanging Christmas lights and hologrammed nativity scenes, their movements mechanical, their placement precise and exactly what they were programed for. Dan slipped his freezing hand in mine while the beauty of the city increased with dazzling fairy lights blinking on the rooftops. Dan's breath was fogging in the wintery air and his dark eyes shone with hundreds of colours as snow began to fall. He laughed, pointing up.

"It's snowing!" He laughed again spinning. I've never seen him like this before. It was really nice. "It hasn't snowed in so long!"

"First day of Christmas..." I mumbled, watching him. I had to remind myself that he knew that it was fake. That there hasn't been real snow in hundreds of years because of how messy it was. But he still spun, throwing his arms above his head.

He slipped, and, not knowing what I was doing, I jumped forward, catching him inches above the ground. He just chuckled.

"That was pretty cool." I brought him back up to him feet but he stayed in my arms, his warm breath on my nose, his arms around my shoulders, my arms around his waist.

"If you didn't give me free will I would have thought that was my programming."

"Maybe you're just a gentleman." Dan replied. He leaned in and pressed our foreheads together, his eyes fluttering closed. We were there for a few seconds as my mind spun quickly. Why did I still want to kiss Dan? If I had 100% free will then where did this urge come from? The urge to intertwine my fingers in his hair and pull his lips to mine and never let go?

"You can kiss me if you want." Dan mumbled. I gulped, unblinkingly.

"Is that what friends do?" Dan let out a breath.

"No." He leaned in further but I pulled away. He frowned, his eyes sad. "Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"No. It's okay. It's fine." He slipped his hand back into mine. "I shouldn't have..."

"No, no. It's okay." He squeezed my hand but avoided looking at me as we continued walking, marveling at the beautiful sights. We were walking on the suspended bridges slung between the tall pedestals of shops, almost ignoring whatever was in it.

"You cold?" Dan asked, pulling me aside under an awning and out of the snow.

"You know I don't get cold." I laughed, but he grabbed both of my hands.

"You know what I mean." He reached into his pocket and produced a soft velvet bag, drawing the strings apart and pouring its contents onto his palm. "I made this for you." He slipped the ring on my finger, pressing a small button on the top that made it turn blue. "It, uh, it's like my weather machine, but you can always have it. Like, on your finger. Because I don't want it to rain or anything and you to get hurt or for it to get too cold and you to not work, so, uh, there you go." He looked down, dropping my hands. I admired the ring.

"You made this? For me?"

"Yeah, it's, uh, more of a prototype, but, uh, yeah, I thought you could um, use it." He grimaced at the awkwardness of his own words but I grasped his hands, making him look up to me.

"You are so kind, Dan. You could get rid of me. You could change me. But instead you gave me free will and a best friend. Thank you." He embraced me tightly, and I hugged him back.

"Let's go in here." He offered over my shoulder, implying the shop we had taken cover under. I looked up to the sign.

"We don't need any more food. Tesco delivered two days ago." Dan pulled away, his hands on my shoulders.

"We always need more food." He said, his face straight. We looked at each other for a second, but his face broke into a smile. "Come on." He gestured me inside.

"Phil, look!" Dan called, pulling me to the shelf of sweets. "I haven't had these in so long!" He grasped a large red bag labeled Maltesers, shaking it furiously. "I'm going to get it." He nodded, his face set.

"If you want." I shrugged. He looked at me sadly.

"I wish you had taste buds so you could try these, they're the most amazing thing." I chuckled as he pulled another bag off the shelf. "Should I get two?"

"You get as many as you want. You bring home the bacon in this relationship." He laughed, turning to me with a bemused expression.

"You used a lingo!" I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, a singular lingo." He put his bag of sweets on my head, stacking the other one on top of it. I stuck out my tongue at him, throwing my arms out and shifting as I pretended to balance them.

"I love you." he chuckled. I rolled my lower lip into my mouth as I longed to say it back, something inside of me bursting to as I tilted my head to drop the bags in my hands.

I must have loved him. I must have actually, truly loved him if I wanted to say it back, even if his was a joke, even if he turned away from me without a second thought, buying his sweets and tearing into the package. Because Dan Howell no longer had control over me that way he used to. Dan Howell didn't own me. Dan Howell was just my friend. But I wanted to tell him I loved him.

His hands occupied instead of gasping mine, I took the time to admire my ring. He had made this just for me, just so that I wouldn't short wire again, because he cared about me.

I wasn't going to check his emotions. I didn't have to. Because I could tell by just looking at his face. Dan Howell, for the first time since I had met him, was actually, genuinely, beautifully happy.

And I was in love.