Greenflame // fake smiles ((completed))

t w o

This chapter is dedicated to NinjagoSkilletFan223
for being the first comment in this book.

Tw:  self harm, depression, purging mention(meaning to purposely throw up your food), mentions of starving.

Lloyd

I wake up sweaty and crying. I had the dream again. The worse part is I don't remember what the dream is. I hug my body feeling a cold.

I lay in bed. I don't want to get up, but I know uncle would get mad if I don't get up. I sigh and get up. I dress myself and head downstairs. I see everyone sitting around the TV.

"Wow Lloyd you look tired," Jay says.

I didn't look in the mirror like I usually do. I put on makeup most of the time to hide the bags under my eyes. I just don't have the motivation to do it today.

"I was up all night watch YouTube," I say.

Lies, lies, lies. You were actually just crying, purging, and cutting yourself again.

I sit down on the ground leaning against the couch. All the room of the chairs and couches are taken up. Kai and Cole on the couch, and zane and jay are on the two chairs.

"Hey Kai pass me the popcorn," Cole says.

"No,"Kai responds eating the popcorn.

"Hey! You're going to eat it all!" Cole saying then tries to take the popcorn. They end up fighting over the bowl, and it spills on the ground next to me. Popcorn and glass goes everywhere since the bowl was glass.

Jay sighs and gets up, "I'll make some more popcorn. Someone else pick that all up."

When jay leaves the room cole begins to talk, "We should through him a surprise birthday party."

I get up to get the broom to pick up the popcorn and glass. I begin to sweep it up as the others talk about throwing jay a surprise birthday party, since his birthday is in 2 days.

"Okay I guess it's settled. We will have the party tonight," Kai says.

"Okay I'll start to decorate and make flyers. Zane you need to keep jay out of the house all day. Lloyd and Kai you need to get all the food,"Cole says.

I nod and throw away the pieces of glass and popcorn I picked up. Jay comes back in, and zane begins to tell him about needing to connect more.

"Yes brother, we haven't had a day out only us in 75.6 days. Lets go to the amusement park," Zane says.

Jay agrees and they leave. Kai and I leave soon after them.

☹

"Are you okay?" Kai asks me.

I look at him and give a small, fake, smile. I nod and look back down at the list of groceries, "We still need chips, milk, sodas, sugar, and candy. We also should buy jay a present," I mumble.

Our cart is almost filled with food. Seeing it all makes me want to throw up. I haven't been eating lately. I don't deserve food.

"Great, we are almost done."

It was silent once again. I haven't been talking much lately. I just don't have the energy anymore.

"Where did you go yesterday night?" Kai asks.

"Out," I respond sharply.

Kai rolls his eyes and sarcastically says, "Oh really I would have never guessed." He pause, "But seriously where did you actually go? Did you go a friend's house?"

I was silent. I didn't want to tell him where I was. I don't know why. I have nothing to be ashamed of. All I did was walk in the park and go to a coffee shop.

"Did you go to a girlfriend's house?" Kai asks raising an eyebrow.

My face turns red. None of the guys know that I'm gay. Only sensei knows. I'm so fucking gay. I'm surprised none of the guys have noticed. Maybe I'm good at hiding it, or maybe they don't care enough about me to pay attention.

When I don't answer Kai gets the wrong ideas, "Wow, I never expected you to have a girlfriend."

"I don't!" I pout crossing my arms.

Kai chuckles smirking,"Okay whatever you say lover boy." I blush even darker when Kai calls me that. He laughs, "Your face is so red."

I cover my face with the sleeves of my oversized jacket. I usually buy oversized clothes to hide my fat.

Once we finish grocery shopping we went to the mall to find jay a present.

"Lloyd I found something he would love!" Kai says and holds up a black laced bra and panties.

I chuckle, "You're seriously getting that for him?"

"Why not?"

I roll my eyes. I end up getting him an updated tool set and a new computer.

As we start walking out of the mall Kai asks the question he did as earlier, "Lloyd, are you sure you are okay? You look sad."

I once again put a fake smile, "I'm fine."
☹

When we get home most of the decorations are up. I ran straight to my room with saying a word to anyone. I collapsed on my bed and began to cry. This time I knew the specific reason cried.

Because of the lies.

I'm so sick of lying all the time. I want all of it to stop. Just everything. My lies, my sadness, my life. I cry harder and harder every passing moment. I cry into my pillow so no one can hear.

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not fine.

I repeat those words over and over in my head. My crying slowly and I get up. I lean agains my wall sitting down. I hug my legs a cry quietly. Through my blurry vision (because of the tears) I get up and see it.

My razor. I hold it in my hand feeling powerful. I lean against my door (sitting down) so no one walks in. I bring the razor to my own skin. Blood trips from my arm to the floor. I cry. My tears mix with the blood as it falls to the hard wood floor.

When did I become so fucked up?

-
That was the second chapter. Tell me what you think in the comments below. Maybe you will get mentioned in the next chapter.

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