All the Things I've Never Said...

Summer of 2016

Nita played no part in my summer in 2016, I practically forgot about him completely. But the things that happened that summer played a big part in my upcoming freshman year of high school. Everything started with a church dance before the school year ended:

I grew up in a LDS household (Mormon) and every month they held a dance for the youth 14-18 years old. I had already gone to a few but the one that May was different. I had a boy who in the dark of the dance and my naive 14 year old self thought was cute ask me to dance countless times. I think most of the problem was that he flirted, a lot. And he had the same Name as the boy I liked at the time but it was spelled differently. He asked me for my number and we would talk a lot.

Eventually he said he liked me and I told myself it would be okay bc he was Mormon and that the gut feeling I had to be wary was wrong. Boy was I stupid not to listen to those feelings and see the signs. He would tell me he loved me and even had a nickname for me. I fell for all of it.

I saw him again at a bonfire dance and every slow so g we danced together we hung out and played some games and he hugged me a lot. And after the last slow song he kissed me on the cheek. I thought I was in love, but in reality I was just falling for the attention. He was moving out to Forrest grove and both of our parents had not dating until 16 rules so we agreed it wouldn't work and we stopped talking.

Not two weeks later I got a txt from my friend josey asking if we were still a thing. I said no explaining why. This is what she said to me, Oh well good because he's flirting with me. I was shell shocked. It had been not even two weeks and he was on to another girl. It wasn't even the fact she was my friend that killed me. It was the fact that she lived just as far from him as I did.

He'd played me like a fool. Defended me and said that he loved me and played up everything about himself so I'd like him. Had he truly loved me like he said...well then he wouldn't have gone after my friend.

He shattered me. My heart was broken into hundreds of pieces. So I went after him, and so did Trysta and Dametrius when they found out. He texted me all sweet like saying he never dumped me and that he never meant to hurt me and that we'd both agreed it wouldn't work because he moved. I went off on his ass.

The first thing he text me back was this: Oh wow, you're clueless... the rest of the txt went on about him "caring" all the way and that I took things to far. It hit every one of my insecurities. And later he had nerve to ask me about my friend he was flirting with!!! She good bless her l kicked him to the curb, and Dametrius was threatening to fight him and Lord knows had that happened the poor kid would have gone to the hospital.

This affected me quite a lot. I had such a hard time bc I had really thought someone actually cared about me. I cut so much and I fell apart, my depression got worse and my anxiety too. I got to see Trysta a few times during the summer including the night before m my baby sister Rona was born. Then at the end of the summer something happened with a boy I knew named Hayden.

I'd known him since first grade. He had been in my class. We'd have talked much but then he started talking to me, talking and interest in me and my very depressing instagram posts. He was so nice to me. He swore he would help me with my issues and help me stop cutting. He offered to help me train for soccer and go on runs with him If I lived close enough, he even said I should come watch a horror movie with him because I'd told him I'd never seen one.

It was completely obvious he was flirting, and I started to fall for him, even though it was the same as before. I was falling because he was flirting. Later the same friend as last time found out he liked her. I shattered. I had never cried over a boy until Hayden. But that same friend bless her heart asked him when he was going to ask me to homecoming as our freshman year had started at this point. And I got a text from him saying, Why did you think I liked you😹😹 That couldn't be further a from the truth.

That single sentence destroyed me. At that point with all my problems because of my depression and anxiety, and my issues with family and trying to help Trysta as well my arms and legs were covered in scars...I had no friends in Oregon City and I was completely alone. My first week in high school was gonna kill me up just knew it. Especially since I was going to be alone...