All the Things I've Never Said...

Suicidal Tuesday

So, the day started off like most of my days. I woke up early as all Hell to go to seminary before school and my mom dropped me off at the church building. I was in a rough spot as I had been before, but this time was worse. I felt like I was being crushed by everything, my confused feelings, my family problems, school, everything. That morning in seminary I decided I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted to sleep...forever. I told Trysta and Tauren and they begged me not to. They tried so hard but I was in to deep. They both said they would miss me and that they would try and stay strong for me. Now I just had to say goodbye to Nita...

I couldn't tell him. Not to his face...but how else could I do it? My plan at that point was to go to a courtyard in between the cafeteria and library at lunch and cut. A lot. Then go walk into the street in front of the school. Albeit wasn't the best plan but I wasn't thinking straight. I decided I'd leave him a letter. I'd write it out and leave it on my chair and just walk away.

And that's what I did. I wrote out a letter, telling him I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. Everything hurt, and I couldn't keep going. I told him to take care of Trysta and Tauren and not let them turn out like me. I told him where I'd be and that if he wanted to try and stop me he could go right ahead (that wasn't the best idea considering I wanted to succeed in my attempt) but that it probably wouldn't work. I left it on the chair when he was talking Gwyneth a girl we sat with. I threw away my untouched food and left.

I went into that small courtyard and sat down in a hidden corner by the stairs. My heart was racing but my mind was so clouded with pain and with depression I didn't care anymore. I couldn't do it, I was done with breathing. So I pulled out an unused razor from my pocket and began to slit my left wrist for the countless time. I had made about ten or so cuts by the time Nita found me. They were bleeding but it wasn't the worst I've had. My elbows were on my knees razor in one hand and my bleeding wrist held between my legs. The blood was dripping on the ground and I was shaking pretty badly.

He came around the corner and saw me but was pretty calm about it. I couldn't look at him and I was trying not to cry. He was wearing a suit that day, because him and some friends of his had started something they called, "Sexy Tuesday" . Basically they just dressed up nice on Tuesdays.

Anyway like I said I couldn't look at him but I could feel his eyes on me as I sat there bleeding with a blade in my hand. He came over and keeled down next to me. The first thing he said was,"If you don't want Trysta and Tauren to end up like you suicide isn't the answer." I just kept my body turned away and held back a sob. He saw the blade and said, "Give it to me." I turned my eyes away from him and shook my head no and closed my hand around the razor. All I heard was him softly say, "Emma, Give me the razor." I held m my breath to stop myself from crying and unclasped my hand. I didn't move but he reached over and snatched the blade from my limp fingers. My arm was still bleeding and the blood was dripping to the ground. He saw this and sat down next to me.

He turned and but the razor into his bag, pulled out a scarf, and said, "This is a brand new scarf by the way." I was confused friend r a moment until he gently grabbed the upper arm of my bleeding wrist. "Nita no!" I protested as I tried to pull my arm away, "Nita it's fine! It'll dry it's fine!" I said. But his grip tightened enough as to stop me from pulling away but not enough to hurt me and he said, "Stop, Emma. Stop."

Eventually I gave in and he pulled my bleeding arm into his lap and began cleaning off the blood with the scarf. When he was just finishing the doors above us at the top of the stairs opened and a group of laughing students came out. The courtyard had been practically silent and it startled me pretty bad. Out of instinct I tried to jerk my arm close to my body as to hide it.

Nita still had a hold of my arm and stopped me from jerking away. I tried to pull away again and shrink into the corner but he didn't let go. He wrapped his had around the clenched fist of my arm which was still bleeding slightly, and covered my bleeding cuts with the other.