Someone told me that I was going to have a melt down. Of course I just laughed and joked, but it got me thinking, what if I am? Last year I did odd things in winter and I feel as if it's starting again. If I just focus on the present, I don't see how odd I act easily, but looking back throughout the years, I can see my slow progression of insanity. Something is not right.
I wasn't really that bad until last winter. I was very depressed and had this repeating voice in my head telling me to slice my flesh to see the pretty blood flow. Everyday I thought doing just that. Luckily I never did. On other random occasions, I would hear other voices, but it was short and messy. It's odd because I could pinpoint the noise too from parts of my head. I did things that I knew I shouldn't. I was destructive.
All during last winter I knew what was happening was not really "normal" but I didn't think much of it. Then one day youtube recommended me a video on schizophrenia, and I realized what is happening to me is symptoms of some mental illnesses. Almost immediately after I found that video and started researching, the voices left. I felt so lonely. I knew I was going insane, but I still was in denial.
That summer wasn't that bad for me, but I still wasn't normal. I isolated myself, and hardly did anything. I was in my head all day formating the same story over and over, just with slightly different plots. I felt as if maybe everything was okay and maybe I wasn't crazy, but then school started.
School made me lose it. I was around people so I was in a constant state of fake happiness. The slightest things began to mess with me. I was a mess. Every day as I walked through the halls, I constantly thought of killing myself. It seemed like the only thing to fix me. That was my only issues for a while.
Once fall came around, my mind was slowly losing it. I was super fake happy all day, and energetic, but as soon as I went home it was all gone. I did things I knew for a fact I should not do. I was saying more gibberish and had a harder time speaking properly. I felt as if I wasn't a real person and I didn't want to be real. I was losing myself. The voices also began to slowly come back. The first voice I heard come back said, "There are dreams inside of you." Next thing I know I'm curled up crying because the things in my head are hurting me. They only stayed on the left side. They brought friends too. I would see images when I closed my eyes. They were not pleasant at all. They came in the form of eyes and flashes, possibly other things. As soon as I seen them I would bust into tears and be on edge for a while. The desire to see blood has also came back. Luckily,the voice didn't return along with it. This is still going on, and I fear it's going to get worse soon.
To help myself cope with all this, I've been writing a lot. Mostly about my day and life, maybe a few stories that I end up hating here and there. I don't think it's going to help for long. I fear that in the next few years, I will be soon gone that it might be too late. I'm afraid what will happen if I truly do lose my mind. Will anyone be there to save me?
