"I can't do this anymore! You are ruining this family! And what happened, it was your fault! It is your fault our son is RUINED! It is all your fault, is this what you want to hear? Well, it is your fault!" My mother shouted to my father. I was in the other room with my fingers in my ears to try to shut the shouting out. Unsuccessful, I might add. I heard every single word they shouted to each other. This had happened often these past years,but these last months it had gotten a lot worse. Since the incidence.
"You're not so innocent yourself! You've done just as much as me, if not more!" I then heard my father say back to her.
They were shouting and throwing things, and I sat here in my usual spot trying to not hear it, but every time I was unsuccessful. I couldn't catch a break, even at night, I dreamt that they were fighting, at school I heard the noises in my head when everything was silent in the classroom. It was pure torture. I didn't know what to do anymore. I was afraid that they were going to leave each other, but on the other hand, everything might be easier if they did. I didn't want to admit it, but maybe everyone would be better off then. I couldn't wait to move out, so I didn't have to see them anymore, and hear this.
I was getting closer and closer to the breaking point, again, and I didn't like it. It was just like last time.
It has now been 17 days since I last self harmed. I didn't want to do it again, I wanted to be strong. For him. But I don't know what to do, it seems like the only way out of this. And now, my breaking point is getting closer and closer. I think I might break any minute now. But I don't want to disappoint him. He's all I think about. When I'm at school I see him, every time I close my eyes I see him, every time I shower, eat, sleep, just walking into my bedroom, I see him. Then reality hits me again and I break down. I don't know for how long I can do this anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I'm so close to the breaking point. Too close to comfort. Too close. These were the last thoughts in my mind before I fell asleep in my small bed, in my small room, in the small house.
Short chapter, but they will get longer I promise. This is so short bc I felt it had to be lol
xxx
