I'm in Love With You..

Chapter 2

It's dark. So dark and lonely. Knowing that no one is there to help you. No one cares enough to lend a hand that will actually make a difference. And it's fine for a while, until it isn't. Going from being such an outgoing person to someone who barley talk to someone without it being awkward is hard. It's hard to really enjoy life when you feel like you're being held back. But that's just how I am. Alone dealing with the voices because no one else close to me understands what its really like.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good facade going on. Hell, even my family and the little friends I do have couldn't see through it. But that's okay I guess. I wouldn't want them to worry over nothing. Though, they'd beg to differ. They'd tell me there here to help, but they can't. They cant help with something they don't fully understand. I don't even fully understand it.

I remember when I was first diagnosed, it's a day I won't forget.

Doctor DelaRose came in and by the look on his face, things weren't working in my favor.

"So Jezebel, it turns out that you do in fact have schizophrenia like we suspected. It's somewhat unclear as to the reasoning behind it, but my guess would the accident that happened 3 months ago. The brain damage you received caused an imbalance in your neurotransmitters. The nerve cells in the brain that send messages to each other, this imbalance causes you to react to stimuli differently. But it could also come from the fact that your grandmother on your fathers side had schizophrenia as well.

"Some events, sounds, sights, even smell and taste can potentially lead to hallucinations or delusions. Now with the medication, it will help reduce the biochemical imbalances. Keep in mind that we'll have to try out a few different ones until we find one that works for you."

After leaving that dreadful appointment, I remember running into Maddox's arms and bawling tears. My life was going to change and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure how to cope. I just knew that this was something that I was going to have to overcome. It was going to make me stronger.

"It's going to be alright Jez, you're never going be alone in this." Maddox stayed true to his word and when Ryland caught drift of what was going on, he transferred after semester to a community college so he'd be closer. Though I really wished that he didn't. Ryland was always the father figure for Maddox and I. Even with him only being three years older then me and two years older then Maddox, he always was our parent figure. Mom was never around much and our dad left after I was born. No explanation. So he did have to step up to take care of two kids.

But things weren't always easy once he came back home. Before, it was just Maddox and I, living in the house for the past two years. Just the two of us. It was just the two of us dealing with my schizophrenia for months. Then Ryland comes back home and for some reason it felt awkward to have all of us in the house together. I had more support. At the beginning, it was so hard, because the voices were always there, for hours on end since I had just started my medication, but I always felt down. Depressed even. Dancing was always the thing that made me feel better even if it was just for a little while.

I dance at a studio, but I'm not actually on a dance team. There would be too many complications with that. They first one being that Hadley is one the team and she already doesn't like me for unknown reasons. It all could've started with the fact that we use to be on a dance team together when we were younger. and her being the competitive person that she is, she couldn't deal with the fact that I almost always won competitions. Or maybe that Titus, her twin brother had chose me over her. Cause to be completely honest, who could really stand her? She was a class a bitch. Always picking on those not brave enough to stand up to her, those less fortunate then her.

I wouldn't say that I put up with her, I just don't let what she has to say to me affect me. they're are just words after all, they won't physically hurt me.

Once word got out about my schizophrenia, Hadley made it her personal mission to make high school my own personal living hell.

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Sometimes, being different can be a good thing. And in other cases, it's a bad thing. Me, I'm just simply me. Not good or bad but somewhere in between. See, I'm not exactly what you would call a social butterfly and I'm not a loner, I promise. I have friends. But, that doesn't change how I feel. The loneliness and despair I feel inside isn't something I should bare alone. I just don't want to bother anyone with my problems. Especially my brothers Maddox and Ryland, they do so much for me that I don't want them to feel obligated to be my protectors anymore. So, I release all my worries out through dance. It's what I love to do the most and it brings me joy. The one thing that makes me happy. Dancing makes the voices go away, even if it is just for a little while.

They would be better off without you around. So why don't you just end it now?

Disgrace.

You can't hide behind dancing forever.

No one really cares.

"Please, please just go away." Today was suppose to just be a relaxing day, but I should be use to this by now. It's been two years now and this is nothing compared to how it use to be. So just ignore them Jezebel and it'll stop soon. But that isn't the case. They don't want to just let me be, they want me to suffer today.

Talking to Phoenix was something that seemed to help also. Yeah, the voices were still there, but they were more bearable. Being around him made me feel normal and I haven't felt that in a long time. And he's only been around for about a week, but he was making a difference. He has that calming aspect to him.

I was sitting on the ground, head between my legs so that I could calm down a little bit. No such luck there.

"Hey Jezebel, are you ok?" I looked up to see Phoenix standing there with a worried look on his face. I assured him that I'm fine but he doesn't look like he exactly believes me.

"Really Phoenix, I'm fine it's just a headache. I think I'm just going to head home."

"But you just got here. Don't leave on my account. Besides, you still owe me another dance." Well, he did have a point there. Every time he comes in early to pick up Rowan, his little sister, he comes into the empty studio I'm in to see my do a dance.

And so, I do the dance for him anyways. Voices and all. It's a little hard to concentrate on the routine and he seems to notice.

I guess telling Phoenix about my condition is going to be taking place a lot sooner then I wanted.

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Hey guys! So finally, a new chapter. And also, a video of Jezebel's solo 😍😍😍😍  AMAZING