I knew I messed up. My cover was blown. At least a little. I was off. I wanted to run into her arms and be held and cry. I wanted to run away and be alone. She knows something's wrong and she's going to want to make it better. She can't though. This won't just go away. I want to just hide in her arms until it goes away. Until the reminder of Lola goes away. Until she was better, or at least looked better.
I cant love Courtney and see Lola. I can't do that to Courtney too. Courtney deserves someone who can love her and not be scared. Courtney deserves someone who won't hide something from her. Courtney deserves much better. She chose me. I need to live up to that if it's the last thing I do.
I can't let someone get hurt again like that. She knows I'm not okay. I want to be okay. But I want to be bad. I want to feel the grief. I can't crawl into her arms. She'll make it all better. It'll be too perfect and then it'll be torn apart. I want to tell her. I can't I need to keep her happy and she's happy when I'm happy.
I arrived late to class... I went to a bathroom and locked the stall and cried. I let her down. I wasn't strong enough.
