I went to meet Courtney for lunch. I had gone to the bathroom again to make sure it didn't show that I had cried. I found her in the lunch line. She looked lonely. Like she was in another world and nobody could reach her. Her expression was blank. She was here physically, but not mentally. She only does this when she's thinking hard about something.
"Hey baby! What's up?" I said, trying to bring her back to me. Hoping I could learn what's on her mind, knowing I probably wouldn't.
"Nothing" she said flat. I could tell she didn't wanna talk about it. I wanted to wrap my arm around her and hold her tight. Hoping to make her come back. But it was so early in the relationship. It wasn't even really that. I was scared to reach out and try to hug her. I was afraid she wouldn't want it, afraid she'd be uncomfortable. I wanted to just forget Lola and hopefully make Court better. I saw Quinn in her soft sweatshirt she looked over then started to walk faster. I was really confused. I really wanted to hug her. She makes me feel safe but without all the love. Nothing could be ruined. I wanted Courts smile from this morning to return.
When we got in the lunch room I didn't really eat. I made it look like I finished my lunch so that Courtney wouldn't worry. Afterwards I moved my hand down towards her leg to try and hold her hand but she didn't seem to want to.
Lola sat with us as lunch. I felt so uncomfortable. I wanted to ask her if she was okay. Last year she was so into all the conversations and now. She sat there with a blank expression. Staring off. She never does that. I wanted to not care. I wanted to not notice the tear that formed in her eye every few minutes. I wanted to love Courtney. I realized my hand was on her leg and removed it very quickly. I got scared. Lola always yelled at me for touching her without asking if I could. I got scared she'd turn around and yell at me. I know she's different then Lola but I fear so much right now.
I watched everyone talk. I watched Court put on her tough girl act. She was hiding it from everyone and laughing. But it wasn't her real laugh. It was forced. Court has this sweet girl side where she's so nice and caring and shows it. I love both of them because they make up her. I just wish she was sweet girl since when she's tough, it's when something is wrong.
