Life Without My Mate

1

My name is Tall Jane. Son of Peaches Jane and Rider James the sex God.

Seven and a half years ago my mom's baby daddy left her when she was pregnant with me and my brother and sister. They're Venti and Grande Jane. We grew up in a shady cockroach infested loft with stacks of blankets for beds because my mother is lazy and refuses to admit that now she's a peasant and she won't work so instead she lives in the attic of her bff Emelie's house with Emelie's brother who sells crystal meth the drink mix.

Unfortunately because Peaches isn't good at anything my brother, sister and I haven't spent ten minutes in a school. Which is probably a good thing because we are named after Starbucks cup sizes and would probably get beat up over it. But that's okay because she thinks it's edgy. Or something, I don't know.

"Mommy," Venti sighed, rolling her eyes as our mother massaged her feet. "You're like the worst massager ever." mom looked really offended and curled her face into a pout.

"You make everything worse when you do that, you old thing. Stop." Venti sounded completely disgusted and pulled away from mom. I shoulda probably mention, Venti is like the worst thing ever. She's mean and we all hate her. But she's pretty and so we all flock together and pretend we like her.

Grande, who somehow was like a billion pounds, waddled up the stairs carrying his stomach in his hands. He had a salad bowl balanced perfectly on his head, and when he got to the top he sat down and ate it like a wild animal.

"Grande, you disgust me." Venti looked at our brother like a rotten chunk of chicken heart. "Go have a shower. Lose weight. You're fat and ugly." she snapped her fingers and shooed Grande back down the stairs. The gross sweaty lump of brother started to cry and slowly crawled down the stairs to have his fifth bath of the day.

"Peaches you dumb *****, groceries." that was Donnie. He was cool, but he never actually swore it always just came out as *****, whatever that sounds like.