grayson would wake up randomly in the middle of the night crying, but slowly, he started to sleep longer and longer. and when he started sleeping longer, i was sleeping less. i kept reminding myself of how i got cheated on and how i am a single mother. i cried constantly of the thought of not being good enough.
jack and jack had been a tremendous help throughout everything that was going on. they treated grayson better than kian ever did, which i could never thank them enough for. through my bouts of depression, it had been quite difficult to take care of a child. some mornings, i couldn't even get out of bed. i felt so useless.
with the help of some new medications, i was up and on my feet in a month or two. i started sleeping more, eating more, and enjoying my life. the thoughts of kian still wandered through my mind, but they seemed less important. i knew kian would always be a part of my life, and i had to accept that in order to move on.
and now, i was living on my own in a small apartment in new york. i decided moving away from california would do me some good. i don't really talk to jc or my mother anymore, even though i would rather not admit it. i wasn't proud of completely isolating myself, but i think it made me a better person.
for the first few months, kian constantly texted and called me. but, they slowly dwindled to a few texts and calls a month. jc still texted me quite frequently, and even though i didn't respond, it was nice knowing how much he still cared.
all of my friends for california were still up to date on my life, and were all following my instagram and my blog. over the past year, my blog had gotten pretty popular. and now, instead of it being more of a little hobby, it turned into a full blown career.
i did end up finishing my bachelors degree in early childhood education, but the degree ended up being pointless. it would be way too hard and way too expensive to put grayson in daycare. i got paid enough through social media and my blog to pay my bills and such.
my love life was still nonexistent. i still didn't think i was ready to start dating yet, even though it had been a year since kian and i split. it's hard to get over your first love, no matter how terribly it ended. it all hurt just the same.
grayson buried his head into my shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck. now that he could talk, he sometimes asked about his dad. i felt bad knowing i was the reason grayson had no father. he had the potential to have a dad, but i didn't want to be associated with kian for any length of time.
i was still scared that i would fall back into his arms if i ever saw him again. as much as i hate to admit it, i was still in love with kian. during my struggles with depression, i reread old instagram posts, remembering how invincible we were in the beginning. i wished we could still be that same couple, but things happen and kian and i's relationship just wasn't meant to be.
but now, i was happy. well, as happy as a single mother can be, considering the circumstances. grayson was still my top priority, no matter what was happening. he was the best thing to ever to happen to me, despite my young age. whether i was 18 or 38, grayson made me the happiest person on the planet.
"mommy, phone," grayson yelled into my ear, shaking me from my extensive thoughts. i picked up my phone from the coffee table, looking at the caller id. when i saw it was kian, i simply laid it back down. one day i would be able to answer his call, just not today.
i had a whole voicemail box filled with messages from all of my friends in california. i just wasn't ready to listen to them yet. grayson always seemed to realize when my mood changed, because he wrapped his tiny arms around my neck.
"i love you," he told me. i kissed his forehead, mumbling it back more than once. he giggled, and kissed my cheek sloppily. i pulled my phone off the table, taking pictures of him.
i started looking back at all of the old pictures i had of grayson and i, and even all three of us. kian sometimes reposted the ones i did, which did make me smile a bit. atleast he still cared and that is all i could ask for. i opened my instagram, and uploaded a photo.
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wish my baby could stay a baby for forever. i miss how little he used to be. it is crazy how quickly time passed, and i wish i could rewind and do some things differently. love this little boy with every ounce of my being, and in case you were wondering, he does look like this some days. i guess i just love him a little too much some days.
no matter how chaotic my life could be at times, i would never trade it for anything. my life is completely crazy, and there is nothing in the entire world i would trade it for. even though i wish i could go back and do things differently, i am positive everything happened this way for a reason. and one day that reason would prevail.
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it is snowing sooo hard at my house. :-( hope you enjoyed this chaoter. please vote and comment xx
