VALOR

Part 5

Looking back, I don't know how you put up with me. But as much as I had tried to push away from you, to care about Lexi, who actually needed my help, to prioritize her, I couldn't. You and I made each other's lives better. After I gave you the knife, I started sitting at the lunch table again, and you always made a point of subtly checking that I was okay. You even started dragging me to social events like your art shows, and that fateful New Year's Eve party...

It was on the roof of some building downtown where they had a bunch of greenhouses. "Wow," you said, "it's almost midnight."

As if on cue people started shouting.

"TEN!"

"Yeah..."

"NINE"

"so... do you wanna kiss?"

"EIGHT!"

"WHAT!" you said, gesturing to the people shouting.

"SEVEN!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THEM!"

"SIX!"

"KISS," I screamed, leaning into her ear "Do you want to kiss?"

"FIVE!"

"Sure?"

"FOUR!"

"Are you really sure?"

"THREE!"

"Yes"

"TWO!"

"Really?"

"ONE!"

"Just kiss me, you idiot!"

And that was the first time we kissed. It was one of the best nights of my life. I didn't have to worry about anything, I just got to enjoy the moment. But I came down from cloud nine that weekend...

I had finally gotten you to come to my tech booth to see what I do, since it was supposed to have been Lexi's night off. But I opened the door to the booth, and...

"My chunky monkey!" Screamed Lexi. She eyed you, giving you a carnivorous once-over. "Ooh, Daddy, who is this?"

You stopped dead in your tracks. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, um, Lexi... this is Valerie. She's... a friend of mine."

You stared at me. "A friend?"

"Anyone daddy says is okay is okay."

You glared at me, and through gritted teeth spat "Hallway. NOW."

"Why is there a girl in the tech booth calling you 'Daddy?'"

"I can exp--"

"What is it with you? Why do you have this insistent hero complex where you have to fix every little broken toy you can find, but leave your working ones on shelves, huh? When are you going to learn to leave a lost cause alone! God, what is it with you?"

"She needed my help!"

"Oh, and this is what you call "help?" You told me you weren't doing anything with her!"

"I wasn't!"

"Wow, PAST TENSE, 'wasn't.' That makes me empathize so much."

"Valerie--"

"What, so three years ago she gets your best friend fucked up on heroin, and after she's screwed over you decided to grab hold of any scraps of desperation there are left?"

"Wait, what?"

"Look, I understand that you have this burning masochistic desire to help people, but you aren't helping her. You're enabling her!"

"Wait, that's the same girl who Samuel..."

I took a step back in disbelief.

"What?" You said. "You've been fucking her for months and didn't recognize her?"

"I..."

Your voice softened. "Look," you said, holding my gaze. "You're letting her abuse you. You spend all your time helping others, please, for the love of god, let me help you."

That night, the local mental hospital visited her home and took her away. The police investigated her house and found evidence of blood everywhere... enough blood to indicate that two people had been killed, and her mother was nowhere to be found. They found evidence of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. When Lexi was confronted with all this she snapped, and tried to hit a cop. She was put in a holding cell, where she used the tie on her dress to hang herself.

I just... I couldn't handle it. I couldn't and I still can't. I had two fingers left, and both of you went away in a weekend. So I was relieved when you left for your art expo because I could finally do something I had wanted to do for so long.

I went over to your house using the spare key I knew was under the jade plant, and snuck in. I went to your room and searched all of your draws, and found it in your sock drawer—my grandfather's knife.

I went home and was so anxious to do it, I didn't even write a note.

I just cut.