VALOR

Part 6

I was very out of it, understandably, but I could hear things. I heard my mother walk into my room and scream. I heard the ambulance as it pulled up to my house. I heard the EMT's talking about head trauma from when I fell. I heard them say "medically induced coma."

I heard shouting about how many ccs of what drug I need as I was pulled out of the ambulance before I passed out.

Then, I think I was in the coma.

When you're in a medically-induced coma, the doctors say coma patients can hear, and I can confirm, they can. The coma sets up situations where you rationalize what you're hearing.

For me, I was a zoo attraction looking at various people through my cage. I saw my mom looking at me for a long time. Days, probably. Then I saw you walk by and join her.

"How is he?" you demanded.

"There was damage to his brain," she said "and they've put him in a medically induced coma. You should talk to him. They say people in comas can still hear. I'll go get us some coffee and talk to the doctor. They think he can come out of the coma soon."

"Thank you." My mom walked away and you were left there. You started crying.

"Oh, AJ... I wish there was something I could have done! I wish I'd known better! Look... I'm not the nicest person. People give me all these accolades because I'm smart and I can do theatre and art, but you were the one who showed me empathy. I wouldn't be half the person I am if it weren't for you. Look, they say you can hear me, and I'm only saying this once. I think I'm in love with you. And if you're so insistent on making everyone else happy, just stay alive... stay alive for me, please."

"My mother walked back over, saying "They're gonna take him off of the coma. We need to clear the room."

Everyone left the zoo, even the other animals. It was desolate.

Then I woke up. Once the drugs wore off, I was able to fully process all the things I had heard in the coma.

The second I was out of the hospital, I asked you out to Prom. I mean, it was stupid and cliche, but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know if I would ever see you again. We were at the end of our senior year. You were going to go to college at some art school in the south east and I was going to have to stay local because of my grades. Thankfully, you said yes, and that night is the reason that the New Year's party only ranks as the second best night of my life.

Unfortunately, but also kind of fortunately in hindsight, prom fell on my birthday that year, May 13th. Ours was in the gym, and we enjoyed the music for a bit but were eventually desperate to leave, so we snuck out back where we could see the stars.

"Okay, AJ," you said. "I know that you're secretly peeved about Prom being on your birthday, and I know that you said you didn't want anyone making a fuss," Oh, god. "But I brought you a little something anyway, because you'd secretly be disappointed if I didn't get you anything."

You reached into your bag and pulled out a mason jar labeled "192 things I love about you," filled with small slips of paper.

"You didn't..."

"I did. You are so, so loved, AJ." You kissed me on the cheek. "Never forget that."

I kissed you, and then said "So... you wanna forget this place?"

"Please."

We gallivanted all through town eating greasy pizza in our formal attire, playing skee ball at the local arcade, kissing under the clock tower at midnight. It was the best night of my life.

But despite so many happy moments, I still had nightmares about Lexi. Coming back to life and telling me I'd failed her. All I had ever wanted to do was save people and I'd failed. I felt helpless. I felt trapped. I felt stuck. Look, I'm not anyone special. My life would only be meaningful if I got to spend it helping other people. I was talking about it with Daniel, and he suggested that maybe I should try volunteering. And I don't think that this is quite what he meant, but it was the best decisions I have ever made.

I wrote you a letter, to be opened after I left, but asked you to drive me to the bus station.

"Look," I said, "after the bus leaves, you need to read this letter."

"Why?"

"Just do it, okay?"

"But you haven't told me where you're going?"

I sighed. "It's a town called Tacoma."

"Tacoma... in Washington? Isn't that where that big military base... Oh, AJ..."

"I'll just... um..." I walked away went to board the bus.

"WAIT!"

You yanked me toward you and hugged me.

"If you're headed off to get yourself killed, I'm getting a hug first." You squeezed me even tighter. "Don't get yourself killed, alright?" You laughed a little. "I'd never forgive you."

"Okay," I said. "I'll try."

Even though boot camp was difficult, I made it through. I read one of those 192 reasons every day. And when those ten weeks ended and it got to be more than 192 days of service, I reread them. For all four years I've been in the military I've reread them. The military may be my true place in this world, but I never would have made it here without you.

That weekend I spent with you stateside a few years ago was... wow, it was incredible. But I felt out of place stateside. The day I said goodbye to you for the last time was the hardest, but I had to go back.

I joined the Army for duty, honor and valor. I wanted a place where I could help people as much as I could and I felt like this was the place. Valor means facing fears because you know it's the right thing to do. And even though I love you, and even though that weekend in that old hotel on the beach was wonderful, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't living up to my full purpose. I felt that this was what God wanted me to do. But I wanted you to know that even if I may never see you again, you led me here. Like that Rascal Flatts song, something about broken hearts being like northern stars leading you to where you're supposed to be. The past four years have been everything I could have hoped for, but we're going to a really risky mission tomorrow. It's so secretive that there are only three people who know the true nature of what's going on. It's the most dangerous thing we've ever done, and this has been the first time I was really scared I wouldn't make it back alive. If I do live through this mission, I live knowing I might come back to you someday. If i die out there, I'll die knowing I did my best.

I'm sorry if you've actually read this. I hope in the end I made you proud.

With love,

                AJ.